Fifty!

I have officially lost 50 pounds!

50.4 lbs. to be exact.  :)

I started this journey January 1 of last year.  I lost 45 lbs. by mid-April and kept it off until November. 

Then I decided to let myself go for the holidays, and I ended up putting about 6 lbs. back on.  Boo.

So I started back up January 1 of this year.  I did all the same things that worked so well last year, but they just didn't work as quickly this year.  I pressed on and eventually (slowly) worked off those 6 extra pounds.  And now I've worked off another 5 lbs. to bring my grand total to just over 50 lbs.

My five-year-old son Griffin weighs about 47 pounds, so I've lost a Griffin's worth of weight.  It was like the old me was carrying him around all the time.  Think about that!

Now if I could just get my body to start listening to me about where I would like the weight to drop from, that would be great. 

And if there's a plastic surgeon who would like to donate his/her time and resources to do a little something about all this saggy skin, I'd be ever so grateful.  I know; you didn't need that visual. 

I'm still working on my relationship with food.  I'm still working on my issues with stomach pain and nausea.  I still don't love exercise. 

I also still have a little hiccup with my body image.  I think my mental image of what I look like is fixed at a certain weight/shape.  That meant that I never realized just how large (er, extra large) I had become.  It also means that I still don't see myself as "small" as I currently am (well, smaller than I used to be).  My mental image of myself is somewhere between the old and new. 

I can wear a smaller size of clothing, but I'm still terrified of the impending warmer weather that will bring about more exposed skin. 

I'm still trying to make peace with cellulite and stretch marks.  Some people can work their way back to a bikini body, but some of us have to wear the evidence of past struggles with food and extra weight.  I used to say that my extra weight was like my scarlet letter, telling the world that I had a not-so-secret affair with food.  Now I feel like I can hide that evidence in certain clothes, but I'll never fool anyone into thinking I've always been this size.

Our focus/attention/efforts are slowly shifting toward moving our family to a slightly bigger house (with a second bathroom!).  We are seeking God's guidance for each step of this new journey.  I have concerns about maintaining healthy eating and exercise during a stressful moving process.  Meanwhile, I know that in just a couple months, we will be on a vacation where I'll be wearing a swim suit.  That thought makes me want to either exercise like a maniac or throw in the towel and eat cookie dough because I know I'll never look beach-ready.

I know that's a whole lot of honesty for a Friday afternoon.  I'm just keepin' it real.  I'm super excited about the success of losing 50 pounds.  I'm still a work in progress.  As a perfectionist, I always chose not to even try to work on my body because I was afraid of failing.  Now that people in my world know that I've worked to lose weight, they would also all know if I give up and go back to my old ways.  It's accountability as well as pressure.  Accountability can keep me on the right path.  Pressure can push me to giving up. 

This is the point where I invite God to fill in the gaps of my own weaknesses and make something beautiful from my scars.

I fail, but he doesn't.  I give up; he never does.  I make wrong choices, and he weaves them together in a way that is good.  Even my relationship with food and my own body falls under his jurisdiction.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. "  Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Jessica