Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I did it.  I let go.  I released the last string of a burden I have carried every minute of every day for 4 1/2 years.

I previously shared about my friend Megan who was killed October 12, 2007.  You can read that post here

I wrote about how God has been patient with me and helped me to process this horrible loss.  He stuck around as I spat angry questions at him.  He held me while I cried, even when I didn't want him to.  Over time, God and I have rebuilt our relationship.  

I also admitted that I still occasionally struggle a little with the issue of trusting God when I felt that he hadn't protected Megan.  

But God has continued to work even since I wrote that post.

I tend to compose my blog posts in my mind during my regular daily life.  Then when I have a moment, I sit down and type out what I remember.  As I wrote that post ("Fear"), God spoke to me and gave me new words to say.  The whole section about death not looking the same from Heaven as it does from Earth was straight from him.  I had never had that thought before.  And he wanted to keep talking to me about that.

On an ordinary day later that week, my life changed.  Sometimes I'll have a thought or idea that seems to just pop into my mind, and I know it's God who whispers the thought into my mind.  That's what happened on this regular day.  God spoke clearly, and kindly, with one of those divine thoughts:
"What if Megan's death didn't happen how I thought it did."
It wasn't even a question.  It was spoken more as a truth.  And then the thought went further:  What if I held my grudge against God for the rest of my life and then discovered that I had been wrong?

This didn't have anything to do with her murder.  It was about her loving Father cradling her in the moment she needed him most.  I wasn't there.  But God was.  And I believe that now.  

So I took God off probation.

I moved out of the judge's seat and released my grudge.

And I feel lighter than losing weight could ever make me feel.  In the last couple weeks, I have heard God speak more, seen him move more, and loved his Word more.  

I trust God again.

Tomorrow is Megan's birthday.  She would have been 30.  This will be the first time since her death that I feel free to simply celebrate Megan's life.  

My sincere hope is that anyone who reads this blog will be encouraged to discover God's love, see how he has already worked in your life, and to know the incredible feeling of trusting him completely.



  1. This is an awesome and inspiring post! I got choked up reading it. I'm so proud of you for how you've seeked out God throughout this. And it is so powerful and exciting to see how he's responded. You may have recurring moments of sadness of missing her in the future, but clearly your overall perspective has changed to allow it to not consume you. Thanks for sharing your heart with your blog fans!

  2. Thanks for posting this. It must not have been easy. I knew Brian from grade school to graduation and none of it makes sense, but that didn't stop it from happening.

    In a different situation I too had to ask "why God?" when other "Christians" caused and allowed great harm and suffering, which went unchallenged for years. Your post is very encouraging, not necessarily the explanation of evil, but the hope that we can "trust God again."

    Thank you