I did it. I let go. I released the last string of a burden I have carried every minute of every day for 4 1/2 years.
I previously shared about my friend Megan who was killed October 12, 2007. You can read that post here.
I wrote about how God has been patient with me and helped me to process this horrible loss. He stuck around as I spat angry questions at him. He held me while I cried, even when I didn't want him to. Over time, God and I have rebuilt our relationship.
I also admitted that I still occasionally struggle a little with the issue of trusting God when I felt that he hadn't protected Megan.
But God has continued to work even since I wrote that post.
I tend to compose my blog posts in my mind during my regular daily life. Then when I have a moment, I sit down and type out what I remember. As I wrote that post ("Fear"), God spoke to me and gave me new words to say. The whole section about death not looking the same from Heaven as it does from Earth was straight from him. I had never had that thought before. And he wanted to keep talking to me about that.
On an ordinary day later that week, my life changed. Sometimes I'll have a thought or idea that seems to just pop into my mind, and I know it's God who whispers the thought into my mind. That's what happened on this regular day. God spoke clearly, and kindly, with one of those divine thoughts:
"What if Megan's death didn't happen how I thought it did."
It wasn't even a question. It was spoken more as a truth. And then the thought went further: What if I held my grudge against God for the rest of my life and then discovered that I had been wrong?
This didn't have anything to do with her murder. It was about her loving Father cradling her in the moment she needed him most. I wasn't there. But God was. And I believe that now.
So I took God off probation.
And I feel lighter than losing weight could ever make me feel. In the last couple weeks, I have heard God speak more, seen him move more, and loved his Word more.
I trust God again.
Tomorrow is Megan's birthday. She would have been 30. This will be the first time since her death that I feel free to simply celebrate Megan's life.
My sincere hope is that anyone who reads this blog will be encouraged to discover God's love, see how he has already worked in your life, and to know the incredible feeling of trusting him completely.