Better

Last night I was discussing current events with my father-in-law.  The recent bombing in Brussels, Belgium, took place in an airport through which my husband has traveled many times.  It made me tense up with fear, realizing that my husband could have easily been one of the many injured or killed.

I have prayed so many times for God to take away the travel related to my husband's job.  God's answer has been, "No, but I will protect him."

I have prayed so so so many times for God to take away my son's constant pain related to his current health crisis.  God's answer has been, "No, but I will walk him through it."

Maybe God's answer is better than what I'm asking for.  Maybe His presence is better than smooth circumstances.  Maybe learning true faith is better than counterfeit calm.  Maybe relying on Him for survival is better than fooling myself into believing I've got everything under control.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  John 16:33

"Your unfailing love is better than life itself; how I praise you!"  Psalm 63:3

Jessica

How to Help Someone In Need

I am currently in one of the most difficult seasons of my life.  I've been through hard stuff before, but this is different hard.  I suppose I'd never grow if God only allowed me to experience difficulties I've already overcome.

My son has been in a health crisis for over three months.  Every single day and night.  We don't sleep and there are very few remnants of our previously normal daily life left.  I've had to withdraw from all my commitments and responsibilities, some that I was ready to release and some that left me with a stinging bareness.  

I've had to accept help.  I 100% love being a helper, and I 100% loathe being a helpee.  I have managed to resist help through all sorts of tough times.  But here I am in a new season where I don't have a choice but to allow others in.

I wanted to share with you what I have found most helpful in the help department.  Let's face it:  you're busy too.  If you are going to invest time, energy, and/or money into another person, you might as well maximize your efforts.

Please hear me.  This is critically important.  Any gesture of help--kind words, a text to check in, a hug, a meal, a ride, a gift card, a card in the mail, babysitting--is seen as an act of love.  You don't have to do things the "right" way.  I want to give you tips from my point of view, but I can tell you that I have appreciated every single anything that anyone has done for me or to me in order to help me on this journey.  

Don't be paralyzed by perfectionism.  Know that your heart will be appreciated every bit as much as your actions.

Helping Someone Emotionally

1.  Try to understand what the person is going through...

Take a moment to think about what the person is experiencing.  Put yourself in their shoes.  Imagine what they could be feeling.  Observe and ask questions.  Some people might like the chance to talk about what they're experiencing and some may be too tired to talk.

2.  ... But don't assume that you already understand.

You can sympathize with a person when you know enough about what they are going through.  But empathy comes from having experienced the same thing.  I have so many wonderful people who see my pain and exhaustion and reach out to me.  But I really connect with other parents who have actually experienced a child going through a health crisis.

I have also encountered many people who simply don't understand why our life is so difficult right now.  They know a tiny bit of information, assume they understand the situation, and make comments that do more harm than good.

Don't be afraid to say something like, "I don't fully understand what you're going through, but I can imagine that it must be difficult."

3.  Use personal experience to connect.

Maybe you haven't gone through the same exact circumstances before, but you likely have something in your arsenal of experiences that gives you some insight.  Briefly mention what it was, how it made you feel, and how it helps you understand this person.  You might say, "I haven't lost a parent, but my grandmother was extremely important to me.  When she died, I felt like the world was a different place without her in it.  I'm praying for comfort for you as you grieve the loss of your mom."

Sometimes opening up and telling how you felt in a hard time allows the other person to feel safe enough to share their feelings.  Be the first one to be vulnerable.  It's a great gift to offer.

Helping Someone Practically

1.  Take a meal.

This is one of the most common ways to help someone.  I often say that food is my love language.  I love to give people food they will enjoy.  It's just a fact of life that everyone eventually needs to eat, so it's a known need to meet.

Here are my favorite tips for taking someone a meal:

• Use disposable dishes--foil pans, Ziploc or Glad containers, zip top bags.  Stress that you do not need any containers returned to you.  Let them off the hook of washing extra dishes and returning them.  Bonus points for bringing paper plates, plastic forks, and plastic cups for the actual meal to be eaten on/with.
• Be on time.  Tell the person when you're coming with the meal and then try your best to be there at that time.  You don't want hungry kids getting impatient or a nursing mother trying to hold a baby off until after guests have come.
• Ask about food allergies and special dietary restrictions.  No sense in taking a meal that can't be eaten.  You can also keep components of a meal separated for anyone who is picky.
• Offer homemade meal choices.  You might offer two or three meals that are favorites or easy to make and ask which one would be most enjoyed by the person or family.
• Offer restaurant choices.  I had someone send me a text saying they wanted to bring me dinner and asked what restaurant is our favorite for take-out.  Sometimes it's easier on everyone if you simply pick up food from a restaurant where everyone already knows what they like.
• Offer day choices.  There's a fine balance between being bossy enough to nudge the person into accepting your help and still being sensitive.  The best way to handle the balance with meals goes something like this:  "I would love to bring you a meal this week.  I can do Monday, Thursday, or Friday.  Which day works for you?"  Then the person doesn't have to decide if they'll accept a meal, simply when that help would be most convenient.
• Inject something healthy.  I love me some comfort food, but sometimes I need to eat something that's good for my body.  A friend recently brought us a delicious salad with all sorts of yummy healthy ingredients.  It was awesome.  She also brought a big bowl of strawberries, which are my kids' favorite.  It felt so good to have fruits and vegetables, especially when I can't get out for fresh produce.
• Give a meal for later.  You can bring a meal for their freezer that can be eaten on whatever day they choose.  You can also give a gift card for a restaurant that delivers.  
• Make the same meal for yourself.  It's easy to make a double batch of a meal and simply put it in two pans.  Add the same side dishes and the same dessert (of course!) and you've got both families covered.  Or purchase your own dinner from the same restaurant when you order dinner for the person/family in need.

2.  Do some shopping.

One of my friends regularly texts me to let me know when she's on her way to Walmart or the grocery store.  I tell her whatever items I need and pay her back when she delivers them.  This has been extremely helpful.  She always seems to text right when we have a critical item or two that we really need.  I've never given anyone my full grocery list, but I'm so happy to get what we absolutely need.

3.  Run errands.

This is the same idea as getting someone's groceries.  You could let the person know when you are going to run your own errands and ask what they need.  It's easier to accept the help when they know you already have to be out for your own errands.  When a family is in crisis (or recovering from surgery or adjusting to a new baby), they might not be able to do things like return library books or pick up dry cleaning.  You can clear these things off their to-do list while you're tackling your own.

4.  Clean--with caution.

This one is tricky, am I right ladies?  Every woman wants a spotless house, but we all feel like we have to present a perfectly clean house to anyone who comes into our home.  We are a clean-before-the-cleaning-lady-comes breed.   So this one requires some sensitivity.  There are only a few people I will allow to see my house as it really is and even fewer I would allow to help me clean it.

Alternative ideas:  Clean someone's car, rake leaves, mow grass.  Stick to outdoor spaces or limited areas to avoid shame for the person who hasn't been able to clean.

5.  Provide a ride.

You might drive someone to appointments simply to give them a little time off from driving.  Or offer to pick up or drop off kids.  When Nolan is having a really bad day, my friend will pick up my other two children from school and bring them to my house.  This spares me from having to drag Nolan out when he is in pain, and it also saves me from feeling like I have to put on my happy mask in front of the other school parents.  I've had another friend pick up homework and papers from the office of Nolan's school when she's there to pick up her own son.  It saves me a trip and gives us what we need.

6.  Babysit.

I have had friends stay with Nolan for an hour so I can go volunteer at the school for one of my other kids' classes.  Family members have watched our kids so Jared and I can have a date.  I even accepted an offer from someone who stayed with all three kids so I could run a few errands by myself.  Sometimes I need someone to run the errands, and sometimes I just need a minute outside this house by myself!  You can offer similar babysitting depending on the situation.

7.  Manage communications.

When Nolan was in the hospital, my friend Michele created a group text including a bunch of our friends.  I would text Michele our updates, and she would copy the update and send it to the group.  It allowed me to send one text and still reach the group.  Michele fielded their follow-up questions and gracefully accepted their suggestions.  I was busy talking to doctors and nurses and taking phone calls and texts from family members.

Maybe you can help update a particular group of people.  Maybe help manage a Caring Bridge page or Facebook updates.  Organize a meal calendar or rides to chemo or dialysis or appointments.  Be the one to let others know when there's a need they can fill.

8.  Maintain their car.  

Have you ever had your gas light come on when you're already running late and don't have time to stop?  When a person is going through a difficult time, they're not thinking about things like getting an oil change.  If you have time, park your car at the person's house, ask for their keys, and take their car in for maintenance.  You can bring along a book or work or Bible study homework.  When you return the car and keys, let the person know that you enjoyed the wait time for leisure or catching up on work.  

9.  Complete home repairs.

My brother recently came over and fixed a plumbing issue we've had for way too long.  Between Nolan's situation and Jared's work schedule, we just couldn't get to it.  Thankfully, my brother had the skills and patience to figure out the problem, and he took the time to come over and fix it.  We are still delighted every single day to notice that the problem is not there.  Maybe you have skills you can offer.  Clean out gutters, fix a leak, paint, drywall, fix a roof, hang a shelf.  Do whatever is unfinished or undone that may bring a little more peace to the person's home.

It's the Little Things

Don't think you have to make a big gesture in order to have a big impact.  I'm a girl who loves the little things.  Try these simple ideas.

• Send a text.  I always love a quick text from someone, whether it's to check in and ask how things are going or to offer words of encouragement.  
• Send a card.  Oh how I love the written word, especially when it is literally hand-written.  You can pick up a nicely worded card and sign your name or get a cheap blank card and write your own message. 
• Offer a Bible verse.  Pray for the person and ask God for a verse.  You can use any form of communication to send the verse (text, email, card, Facebook, even Pinterest or Instagram).  This is also a favorite of mine when people give me a verse of encouragement.
• Reach out and touch someone.  Some days there's nothing you can do to help but a hug can bring comfort.  If it's appropriate for the relationship, rub the person's back.  They probably have built up tension that you can help relieve.
• Bring a coffee.  Get one for you and one for the person in need.  Tell them you're going and just need to know their order.  That offer is hard to resist.  Maybe grab a donut too.

A Few More Tips

• You don't have to pay for everything.   Tell the person upfront that you'd be happy to get their groceries/dry cleaning/gas/prescription and they can write you a check when you deliver the goods.  This helps eliminate the awkwardness.
• You will say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do," and they will likely never let you know.  That sentiment is still received as heartfelt support, but it also puts the responsibility on the other person to reach out to you.  So pick something to do, and do it.
• Be real.  Be honest.  Show up with no makeup on.  Wear grubby clothes when you stop by.  Let them see your home when it's not perfect.  Let your imperfections show so they know they don't have to hide theirs with you.
• Keep checking.  Needs change.  People always have to eat again.  Groceries run low yet again.  There are set backs and celebrations.  You can participate in different ways as their journey changes course.
• Never underestimate the power of humor.  Sometimes there's nothing to do but laugh.  The more stressed I feel, the more sarcastic I become.  Sometimes a joke or funny card or meme can break the tension and lighten someone's mood.

Happy helping!

Jessica

Broken Trust

Broken.

I just felt broken.

My son Nolan, who has had digestive issues for three years, has now had a headache for 35 days straight.  It's been more painful at times and less painful at times, but he has not been pain-free for 35 days.

We've been to every professional at our pediatrician's office except for our actual pediatrician.  We've been to the Emergency Department at the hospital.  I've lost track of how many times we've called and talked to nurses.

No one has helped us.

Then I got hit hard with a virus (I'm assuming influenza).  I've been in and out of sleep, day and night.  My husband has been working long hours and has had to be gone every evening.

Last night Nolan was up multiple times throughout the night, clutching his head, in too much pain to sleep.  I have devoted the last decade of my life to taking care of this boy and giving him whatever he needs to be healthy, safe, and thriving.  And for the last 35 days, he has come to me and I have not been able to help him.

So this morning as I drove my other children to school in my minivan that had one tire low on air and faulty heat in the midst of our frigid winter, I felt broken.

For just a moment, I started to angrily lash out at God.  You know what's causing all this.  Why aren't you doing anything?

But I made my choice to trust Him, no matter how Nolan feels.  So I kept praying.  I trust you.  I know you never allow your children to experience pain without a purpose.  I know you're doing something and I don't have to understand it.

All throughout my crazy morning, the same sentence kept repeating in my mind.

Seek His presence more than His power.

Once all the younger kids were safely at school (and I had taken Nora's forgotten gym shoes to her and put air in my bum tire), I left Nolan clutching his head while eating breakfast.  I went in my bedroom and closed the door.  And I got ready to seek God's presence.

For me, praise and worship music is the vehicle through which I most easily connect with God's presence.  So I pulled out my trusty smart phone to play music. 

Every time I've gone through a difficult season of life, God has given me a song to help me through that time.  The song He has chosen for The Nolan Headache Battle is Trust in You by Lauren Daigle. 

I first heard this song on Pandora a few weeks ago, and I instantly loved it.  A friend who has been praying for us sent me the lyrics to this song on the day we were at the hospital with Nolan for some testing.  Today when I turned on my phone to praise God, that song was the first to start playing on Pandora.

God is good.

The chorus of the song says:

When you don't move the mountains I'm needing you to move
When you don't part the waters I wish I could walk through
When you don't give the answers as I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you

You can view all of the lyrics here.  You can also listen to the song here:

I sang and cried and raised my hands to God right there in my bedroom.  The Bible says that God inhabits the praises of His people, and I gave Him a place to fill today.

It's not that I don't still feel broken.  I just know God is holding my pieces.  And He knows how to put them back together.

Jessica

Today's Time: Badge Removal

I've said it before and I'll say it again:  sometimes it's really hard to explain where my time goes.

For example, let me tell you what I did with today's time.

I've been down for two days with the flu.  I'm talking down like I don't think I have the energy to get up and pee.  The problem is that I really don't just sit.  Or lay.  Ever.

So today I pulled out a project that could be done from a sitting/reclining position since that's all my flu-ridden body would allow me to do.  I've been working on this project on and off for a few months.

These are Caravan sashes and scarves:

What's Caravan, you ask?  It's a Christian-based scouting program that takes place at our church on Wednesday evenings during the school year.  Kids earn badges that are added to their sashes and scarves.

Those sashes and scarves and badges cost a lot of money for the church.  Another church donated two boxes of used sashes and scarves to our church.  So I was given the task of removing all the badges.

I'm stripping these babies for parts.

Roughly 30-40% of the donated items had current badges on them, and the rest have outdated badges that can no longer be used.  But we could really use the sashes and scarves once the outdated badges are removed.

Some of the badges were hand-sewn on.  More were machine-sewn on.  I can use my seam ripper to remove the stitching and ultimately the badges.  Then I have to pick all the little threads off the badges and sash/scarf.

Some of the badges were hot glued on.  These peel off fairly easily and leave behind a white-ish shadow where the glue was.  Other badges were applied with some sort of mystery adhesive.  Some of these leave behind a thin shiny layer.  Others require Hulk strength to pull off and leave behind a thick rubbery glue.

A few of the sashes had badges that had been safety pinned to them.  These just required time and diligence to not give myself tetanus.

It's slow going.  It makes all my fingertips bruised from pulling on every badge and thread.  It makes my fingernails rough and broken and split.

It also occasionally does this to my seam ripper:

If you are not a seamstress, you may not realize that this is missing two parts that snapped off.

I have to take a break until my fingers heal and I get a new seam ripper.  Then I'll tackle the remaining 19 scarves (yes I counted).

I now have a bag of badges that can be reused:

A bag of badges that can no longer be used:

And a stack of stripped sashes and scarves that need to somehow have the adhesive removed:

So...does anyone know how to remove mystery adhesive and hot glue residue from fabric?  If so, PLEASE leave me some advice in the comments!  I'll be asking the Google for help on this one, but I'd rather hear from actual people.  If I can't get these sashes and scarves clean in order to be passed on to kids in our church, then all my hard work (and sacrificed fingernails and seam rippers) will be for nothing!

Now my nighttime cold medicine is kicking in and my head is getting fuzzy.  Does that make anyone else think of Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail?  If so, we should be friends.  Or we probably already are.

Ok, time to lay back down.  And find something to do while I'm resting.

Jessica

Family Getaway

*This is my last chance to publish this post this year, and--by golly--I'm gonna do it!  I've been working on it since EASTER.  The stupid problem my computer has been having with pictures caused this post to be impossible to prepare.  Each and every picture took anywhere from 10-20 minutes to upload.  Ridiculous.  But I win.  I'm publishing this thing.  Happy Easter and Happy New Year!

One night several weeks ago, Jared and I were discussing the upcoming Easter weekend.  We realized that it is the only Sunday during the entire year when neither of us has responsibilities at church.  Whole year--one Sunday off.

We contemplated this fact.  We added other facts.  He was running ragged at work.  I was running ragged at home.  We missed each other and desperately wanted time with just our family.

These facts added up to one very controversial conclusion:  we should go away for Easter weekend.  That's right:  we would not be in our home church on Easter Sunday.

Before you get too bent out of shape, keep in mind that we try to be grateful every single day that Jesus died for us and rose again, conquering death and allowing us to be forgiven and spend eternity with Him.  Prayer led us to a sense of peace about skipping town for Easter weekend in order to be renewed as individuals and as a family.

We didn't even book our trip until about a week and a half before the getaway weekend.  Jared picked both the location and the actual house we rented.  I didn't make a packing list.  I didn't plan meals ahead of time.  We did not schedule activities ahead of time.

If you know me at all, you know this is NOT the way I usually operate.  I admit it was kinda awesome.

So where did we go and what did we do?

We went to a little town in Southern Illinois and stayed in an awesome house on lots of acres of land, including a pond for fishing as well as woods for exploring and rocks for climbing.

The house had one wall of windows, and it led out to a balcony with rocking chairs.

The back side of the house with an outdoor eating area and a grill

We weren't sure how the kids would do with this kind of vacation.  They expect "vacation" to mean beach and pool.  We did have our amazing vacation last year to Michigan, but even that had swimming in the lake and a brief trip to a beach at Lake Michigan.

The first day we were there, I suggested that we go hiking in the woods to see what we could find.  The kids referred to this as "exploring," and it became their favorite thing ever.

When we were out exploring for the first time, Nolan and I had this conversation:

Nolan:  Mom, I've never seen you get dirty.
Me:  See?  I told you Vacation Mom is different than Everyday Mom.
Nolan:  I like Vacation Mom better.

Guess what?  I like Vacation Mom better, too.

On our exploring trips, we tried to find as many things as possible.  We focused on plants, animals, and other living things.  I found that taking pictures of the things we found helped me not to get too grossed out.

It's too bad this picture came out so dark because it is FUNNY!!  The lizard moved suddenly right as I took the picture.

There was a road from our house to the nearby pond.  We LOVED fishing there, and we also found more critters in and near the water.

These are slimy strings of frog eggs, and there were tons of them everywhere!

A tiny minnow Griffin caught in his net

A clearer view of the frog eggs

Ants on a log.  Literally.

There were about six turtles that lived in the pond, but they never let us get close enough to get a decent picture.

We weren't sure how fishing was going to go.  Jared had to do all the gross jobs of baiting hooks and touching slimy things, of course.  Griffin hooked nearly every family member at one point or another.  For awhile, it was just a game of keeping everyone safe and not bleeding.

Eventually everyone found their fishing groove.  The kids figured out how to cast and how to enjoy the game of trying to get a fish.  Jared and I even got to fish once we got the kids set up.

Jared caught the first fish.  Then I caught my own little bluegill, just slightly larger than Jared's.  Then the boys caught bitty fish of their own.  Nora pouted because she was the only one who hadn't caught a fish.  And then, she caught THE fish of the trip.  And on a Barbie fishing pole, mind you.

This is one of my very favorite pictures!

 

Seriously.  She puts her Nora girly flair on everything, even fishing!

Griffin ADORED this tiny baby bass

I loved the kids using their imaginations with the sticks and rocks.

We were not afraid of dirt on this vacation

When Jared and I wanted to sit together, the kids could go play on the swing set.

Going on another adventure

My boots!

We had a super awesome Easter egg hunt on the property.

These were the "horses with shirts" on the property next to ours.

This is "Donkley" (named by Nora).  He is a lovable donkey who enjoys eating fresh chives pulled from the ground and hand fed to him by adorable children.

It was such an amazing weekend filled with adventures and all sorts of new things.  We will remember this family getaway forever!

And we might not be around next Easter either...

Jessica