She's Got Legs

I hate my legs.

Not like oh, I wish my legs were 3% thinner.  I am truly embarrassed to claim my legs as part of my body.

I used to wear jeans year-round.  Even in the heat of summer.  I eventually got bold and moved up to capris.  Look out!

Last summer my friend Michele pumped up my confidence enough and convinced me to wear shorts.  I went to Walmart and bought about four pairs of shorts in different colors.  I wore them daily, even though it felt as wrong as if I was walking around shirtless.

You see, my legs aren't exactly like the other legs I know.  My legs have pockets of fat that don't even exist on other legs.  I'm fairly certain my legs have different genetic code than all the other legs walking around on this earth.  Even when I was at my verrrrrry thinnest, my legs were still made up of lumpy, bumpy, squishy matter.

I have tried diet and exercise.  I have toned and squeezed.  I've tried self-tanner to cover these jiggle sticks, but nothing seems to change what I'm working with.

Perhaps it would be prudent for me to share the fact that my older sister has great legs.  Not just great.  Killer legs.  She and my brother could have a calf-off and they literally have.  They are toned and muscular and shapely.  My sister tans very well and my brother is hairy, so I'm the only one walking around with ghost legs.  These people were drawn out of the same gene pool as I was, and yet my legs just don't match theirs.

I realized the other day, while trying to decide if I'd rather roast in pants or expose my deformed limbs in shorts, that I just haven't seen other legs like mine.  Celebrities don't have these bad boys.  The other moms at my kids' schools aren't shaped like me.  Even my plus size friends have super toned legs.

So I guess it boils down to feeling like the oddball.  I'm different than everyone else in a way that I already don't like.  I mean, why couldn't I be different in a way that's super awesome?

I've accepted that I'll never wear a two-piece swimsuit ever again.  I've accepted that I have more wrinkles than all my older friends and that I have to fill in my eyebrows with a pencil.  But I just can't seem to accept these darn things that have the audacity to call themselves legs.

I've worried about how my views of my legs will affect my daughter, but I've seen her legs and they're fantastic.  Thank heavens.  I'll have to teach her to love her long and lean perfect body in a "do as I say, not as I do" sort of way.

We will soon be going on a family vacation.  To Florida.  Where people wear shorts all the time.  We will be vacationing with my stick-thin sister-in-law, my cousin who has been a life long dancer (read: fantastic body), and my aforementioned sister.  There will be swimsuits involved.  I couldn't seem to find a swimsuit with pants, so I had to settle for a skirt.  It's not even a maxi skirt.

I so badly want to enjoy this vacation with my family, and I will.  I just know it.  I don't want to be distracted by body image issues.  This will be a mental battle for sure.  But it's one I intend to win.  My kids are worth it, and they deserve a mom who is having fun with them and not one who is wearing a robe on the daily.

It would be so cool if this next paragraph contained my mind-blowing wisdom about how to love your body for all it can do and because it is fearfully and wonderfully made.  Actually I do thank God quite often for what my body can do.  I can walk without any pain.  I could run if my children's lives were in peril.  I'm tall enough to reach all sorts of things.  I can drive myself and park wherever there's a spot, and these cottage cheese gams make it all possible.  I'm thankful for what I can do, but I'm still not a fan of how I look doing it.

Maybe you have something about your body that genuinely bothers you.  Not just the little insecurities of wondering if your hair looks frizzy or if your shirt shows that weird back fat indent that women get from their bras.  I mean maybe you base your whole wardrobe around part of you that you deem strictly unacceptable.  We can get through this together.

Maybe our deformities keep us humble.  Maybe they keep us grounded and help us look past physical appearance.  Or maybe I'm just still learning how to grow out of body issues.  Maybe I'll be brave enough to wear shorts, and another woman will see that I'm letting my imperfections show and so can she.

That's what I'll be telling myself in Florida.

Jessica

Jenga Straws

I couldn't hold my emotions in anymore.  I got up from my work chair, leaving it spinning as I stood too quickly, and went into the tiny bathroom adjacent to the patient therapy room.

As soon as I closed the door behind me, I cried.  I gave in and let the tears flow.  My face did that squished up unattractive thing.  I pressed a tissue just below my eyes to soak up any dripping mascara.  I didn't need to have my makeup cried off so everyone could see what a hard time I was having AND how my undereye regions look like someone with a terminal illness.

It wasn't that something awful had just happened.  It had been building all week.  I kept thinking about the phrase "the straw that broke the camel's back."  I had been carrying a load of straws, and the final one had just been placed on top.

I actually felt like I had been playing a game of Jenga with my straws all week.  My pile of straws included things like my 8-year-old daughter with a broken leg, my boys surviving middle school, my stomach refusing to just freaking digest food, my messy house, our family calendar, increasing migraines, my body image, and all the normal things that a part-time working mother of three balances.

These straws were constantly shifting, and new ones were thrown on the stack. 

I cleaned my messy house in an attempt to clear my mind, and within that very day, my lovely children turned my house into a national disaster.  I have been faithfully working out to a specific 90-day fitness system, making sure to get in at least 4 one-hour workouts per week.  This week I hit the 30-day mark and weighed in.  I weighed exactly the same as I did at the start.  Exactly.  I lost 0.0 lbs.

I eat gluten-free and take specific supplements in an effort to help my ridiculous stomach digest normally, but this week my stomach has been especially painful and nauseated.  I haven't been sleeping well, and I have no idea why.

I just felt like none of my efforts were making any difference in any area of my life.

On the plus side, I had been doing well taking care of Nora.  Her broken leg required help in all sorts of ways that I couldn't have anticipated ahead of time.  We had hit our groove with school.  I had a good handle on how to get myself ready for work as well as getting her ready for school each morning.  On the day I ended up crying in the bathroom at work, everything had started fine.  We got the boys to their school and got to Nora's school a little early.  I walked her in (she's on crutches) and carried her back pack.  I helped her to her desk and propped her foot on the extra chair and pillow I had made her.  I put her lunch in the basket and her folder in the bin.  I handed her the activity book I had remembered to bring for her to entertain herself while she waited for her classmates to arrive.  I checked my watch and felt good that I had exactly enough time to get to work on time.  As I bent down to kiss her goodbye, the principal walked into the room.

I had met with Nora's principal, teacher, and school nurse earlier in the week when she first returned to school.  We discussed any accommodations she might need, what the schedule would look like, how I would help her in and out of school each day.  I felt so blessed that my daughter attends an amazing school with such caring staff.  These three women were so kind and so willing to do whatever was necessary to help my girl.

But on this day, the principal was coming in to let me know that I needed to start walking Nora just inside the school and leaving her on a bench there to wait for someone else to help her to her room.  She said we couldn't be in the classroom "unsupervised" in the mornings.  I was confused.  And flustered.  She was so sweet and delivered her message like she was telling me my outfit was cute.  Nonetheless, I started to stress sweat immediately.  All I heard her say was, "You're doing it wrong."  I had to get out of there.

I felt the sensation of the last straw landing on the pile.

I arrived at work 5 minutes late.  I am never late.  And I walked in at the exact same time as my boss, so he definitely saw me arrive late.  There were already two patients in the waiting room and the phone was ringing.  I tried to switch from Mom Mode to Work Mode, but my emotions were already spilling over.  Thus I ended up crying in the bathroom at work.

As I reprocess all of this now, I realize that I had let a lot of things beat me up during the week.  People's words, my thoughts, numbers on scales and tags, circumstances.  Not only did I have bruises and fractures from receiving the blows, but I also had bloody knuckles from taking my own shots.

I think a lot of the thoughts that swirl around in my mind are coated in my own misconceptions and insecurities.  It's time for them to take a little bath in truth.  My house is messy, but it doesn't mean I'm a bad wife.  It means my family members suck at picking up after themselves.  It means we could all do a better job picking up after ourselves, and it's not all my responsibility.  I haven't lost any weight, but maybe my heart is healthier from my exercise.  My stomach is a constant source of pain and frustration.  I am doing the best I can to make good food choices, and some days are good.  I'm a super rule follower, and I never intentionally went against any of the arrangements we had made with Nora's school.  The principal has a responsibility to manage the school just like I have a responsibility to manage my kids.

Nora's leg will heal.  Some days my house will be clean and I'll feel good.  Some days I'll take my chubby hindquarters into the work bathroom to cry while my stomach hurts and I remember someone's critical words.  The beauty is that I get to start fresh each morning.  Sometimes I don't even have to wait for the next morning.

After I finished my ugly cry and wiped my face, I came back out to my workstation.  I took a few breaths in and out.  I turned to my coworker and said, "Morning:  take two.  How are you today?"

Jessica

Fifty!

I have officially lost 50 pounds!

50.4 lbs. to be exact.  :)

I started this journey January 1 of last year.  I lost 45 lbs. by mid-April and kept it off until November. 

Then I decided to let myself go for the holidays, and I ended up putting about 6 lbs. back on.  Boo.

So I started back up January 1 of this year.  I did all the same things that worked so well last year, but they just didn't work as quickly this year.  I pressed on and eventually (slowly) worked off those 6 extra pounds.  And now I've worked off another 5 lbs. to bring my grand total to just over 50 lbs.

My five-year-old son Griffin weighs about 47 pounds, so I've lost a Griffin's worth of weight.  It was like the old me was carrying him around all the time.  Think about that!

Now if I could just get my body to start listening to me about where I would like the weight to drop from, that would be great. 

And if there's a plastic surgeon who would like to donate his/her time and resources to do a little something about all this saggy skin, I'd be ever so grateful.  I know; you didn't need that visual. 

I'm still working on my relationship with food.  I'm still working on my issues with stomach pain and nausea.  I still don't love exercise. 

I also still have a little hiccup with my body image.  I think my mental image of what I look like is fixed at a certain weight/shape.  That meant that I never realized just how large (er, extra large) I had become.  It also means that I still don't see myself as "small" as I currently am (well, smaller than I used to be).  My mental image of myself is somewhere between the old and new. 

I can wear a smaller size of clothing, but I'm still terrified of the impending warmer weather that will bring about more exposed skin. 

I'm still trying to make peace with cellulite and stretch marks.  Some people can work their way back to a bikini body, but some of us have to wear the evidence of past struggles with food and extra weight.  I used to say that my extra weight was like my scarlet letter, telling the world that I had a not-so-secret affair with food.  Now I feel like I can hide that evidence in certain clothes, but I'll never fool anyone into thinking I've always been this size.

Our focus/attention/efforts are slowly shifting toward moving our family to a slightly bigger house (with a second bathroom!).  We are seeking God's guidance for each step of this new journey.  I have concerns about maintaining healthy eating and exercise during a stressful moving process.  Meanwhile, I know that in just a couple months, we will be on a vacation where I'll be wearing a swim suit.  That thought makes me want to either exercise like a maniac or throw in the towel and eat cookie dough because I know I'll never look beach-ready.

I know that's a whole lot of honesty for a Friday afternoon.  I'm just keepin' it real.  I'm super excited about the success of losing 50 pounds.  I'm still a work in progress.  As a perfectionist, I always chose not to even try to work on my body because I was afraid of failing.  Now that people in my world know that I've worked to lose weight, they would also all know if I give up and go back to my old ways.  It's accountability as well as pressure.  Accountability can keep me on the right path.  Pressure can push me to giving up. 

This is the point where I invite God to fill in the gaps of my own weaknesses and make something beautiful from my scars.

I fail, but he doesn't.  I give up; he never does.  I make wrong choices, and he weaves them together in a way that is good.  Even my relationship with food and my own body falls under his jurisdiction.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. "  Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Jessica

Baked Spaghetti with Zucchini

You may have noticed that my blog has been a little more food-focused rather than craft-focused lately.  That's because this blog reflects my ever-changing life.  I haven't had much time for crafts lately, and the ones I've done wouldn't be all that interesting to the general public.

I'm still trying to lose a little more weight, and I'm still trying to work with my diet to appease my finicky stomach.

I was getting frustrated feeling deprived and thinking about all the foods that I can't have.  So I decided to start focusing on foods that I can eat.  I'm trying new foods and finding ways to work in more vegetables.  Since we've been a corn and green beans kind of family, this is challenging for all of us.

I figure the more variety I put in my diet, the greater my chances of getting the vitamins and nutrients that my body needs, and the less chance I have of experiencing diet burnout (been there).

My family likes zucchini.  Well, most of us do.  I have a zucchini pasta bake that is regularly in our dinner rotation.  But I still wanted to try this recipe that I found through FitnessMagazine.com.

Click here for the full recipe.

I liked that I could prep this recipe ahead of time and then just throw it in the oven to bake before dinner.  I did the prep work while the kids ate lunch (I waited and ate my lunch in peace during their nap time!). 

This recipe was tasty and received good reviews from all family members.  {Of course, Griffin ate a deconstructed version since he doesn't eat spaghetti sauce.}

Jared didn't even notice that I used wheat spaghetti noodles.

The best part:  no one even noticed the zucchini because it was shredded!  So if you want to sneak veggies into your kiddos, this recipe is a great way to do it.  I didn't peel my zucchini first, and I could see the dark green speckles amongst the noodles, but my kids didn't spot them.

This isn't a super low fat recipe, but you can make a few alterations if you want.  As I mentioned, I used wheat spaghetti.  I also used Prego Light Smart spaghetti sauce.  You could use fat-free mozzarella, but I just used what I had on hand.  I didn't put any meat in mine, but you could use a lean meat such as ground turkey or turkey pepperoni.  For the egg mixture that you pour over the noodle casserole, I used 3 eggs instead of four and increased the milk to 2/3 cup.  You could even use egg substitute.

I just wanted to pass along a great recipe to help infuse some veggies into your dinner!

Jessica

Just Do Something

Many of you who have been reading my blog for a while will remember last spring when I made costumes for my church's Easter play.  If you missed those, you can click here to read those posts (scroll past the Halloween costume posts).

Those costumes were definitely the most challenging sewing project I have ever tackled.  They were challenging for so many reasons.  I worked on them for multiple hours per day, everyday, from mid-February until the very end of March.  I would have been quite challenged to just make one of those costumes.  But I had to make three.  With difficult fabrics, patterns that weren't the right size, a billion trims and details, and sewing techniques I had never done before.

Every single day, I looked at the pile (room full...) of costume supplies and thought, "There's no way I can do this."

It was true.  There was no way I could complete those costumes that day.  But I could do the next step on the current costume that day.

So every single day I went through the process of being overwhelmed, taking a breath, and just pressing forward on the very next step.  I just focused on the single next step on the instructions for the current costume.  That's how I made three of the most challenging projects in the allotted time.

I had to just do something each day.

At the same time that I was working on the costumes, I was also trying to lose weight.  Bleh.  I'm even tired of the word weight.  Such a life-long struggle for me.  And last year I found myself at my heaviest weight ever.  I was fresh off of several failed attempts to jump start my weight loss as well.

I was overwhelmed with the knowledge that I needed to lose about 50 pounds.  How could anyone lose 50 pounds?

So every single day I went through the process of being overwhelmed, taking a breath, and just working on what I could do for that day.  Each day, I could meet my Spark People goals for my food intake and meet my exercise goals for the day.  I didn't have to lose all the weight in one day. 

I just had to do something each day.

This principle applies to whatever you're working on right now.  If you're trying to be more organized, clean one thing today.  Your silverware drawer, your bills stack, one dresser drawer, your car, etc.  Just pick something and do it.  Every time you enjoy that new organized/clean nook, you'll be motivated to do one more tiny space.  And pretty soon, all your little (and big) spaces will be organized.

If you're trying to cook more, choose one new recipe to make for dinner today.  Tomorrow you can work on planning one week's worth of meals.

If you want to lose weight, log onto Spark People's website or download their app (or find a similar one), and figure out your goals.  Tomorrow you can start logging food.  The next day you can start finding ways to burn your calories for the day.  You get a sense of accomplishment each day as you look at your daily goals and see that you've landed within your range.

I think you get the idea.  Sometimes it helps to back up and look at the big picture.  Sometimes you have to focus at the immediate task at hand and ignore the enormity of the big picture.  When it comes to reaching big goals, I'm a task-focused kind of girl.

Now it's your turn.  What can you do TODAY to get you one tiny step closer to your goal?

Jessica

Snack Alternative for Chips

I have a weird new favorite snack.

Barbecue pork rinds!  Gross, right?  I know.  I don't even like barbecue flavored chips.  And the very thought of pork rinds makes me gag (pork = pig; rind = skin).  But apparently two wrongs make a right.

These are a great alternative to chips for me because they have no carbs!  They are super crunchy and make me feel like I'm eating chips.  Last year at this time, I started the process of losing 45 lbs.  After two years of trying to lose weight with no success, last year I finally figured out a few things that actually work for me.

One of those tricks was getting the right balance of carbs, protein, and fat.  I found that I always kept my fat intake in check but had to really focus on increasing my protein and decreasing my carbs (not cutting them out completely!).

Pork rinds have a sneakily high fat content (not surprisingly), but they have 8 grams of protein per serving and zero carbs.  So, for me, they are much better than a handful of chips.

If you have a brand new resolution to lose weight, you might find these past posts helpful:

Diet Breakfast Foods
Diet Meals
Diet Desserts
Diet Snacks & Extras

I wish you success in whatever goals you're starting this year!

Jessica

New Year's

The last couple years, I've heard sermons and read devotionals knocking New Year's resolutions.  I personally love this time of year.  I think it's time to let New Year's resolutions off the hook and take advantage of what they offer.

All year long, I get consumed in the day-to-day.  I shift into survival mode.  I juggle schedules, remember important events, and do anything I can to keep my family moving in the right direction.

Wrapping up one year and preparing for a new one offers me the opportunity to step away from the daily grind and assess where I've been and where I'm going.

This is the time of year when I look back over the last year.  I acknowledge every hardship and feel thankful to be on the other side of most of the difficulties.  I give myself credit for any area where I've grown personally.  I see more clearly how God has been present and working with me every single day.  I reflect on all the good stuff and offer prayers of gratitude for blessings great and small.

This time of year is also the time when I suddenly realize that change is possible.  The hard stuff doesn't have to keep being hard.  Eventually babies sleep through the night, weight gets worked off, and I figure out more tricks to keep my house organized.  On New Year's Eve, I take a deep breath and allow myself to feel hope and anticipation.

My resolutions have almost always been about three things:

1. My body (lose weight, tone up, dress better, accessorize more, etc.)
2. My house (organize clutter, keep house cleaner, incorporate meal schedules, fix house problems, update decorations, etc.)
3. My performance (be a gentler mom, be a more supportive wife, pray more, read my Bible more, mend relationships, etc.)

Last year, I lost 45 lbs. between January 1 and April 14 (my birthday).  I kept it off all year (okay...except for the 2-3 lbs. I put back on this month).  This year, I would like to take off that last 10 lbs. I never touched and try to generally tone things up.  This will be an interesting (and somewhat scary) process for me since losing weight last year brought up so many digestive problems that are still lingering today.

My house needs repairs, updates, cleaning, organizing, and purging.  I don't even know where to focus this year.

In terms of my performance, I know that God is still working on me and my mental battles.  I'm learning to stop the negative conversations I have with myself about things I say and do and things others say and do.  I think for now I'll keep working on learning to show grace to myself and others.

When I try to reflect on 2012, my recollection is completely overshadowed by the whole process that led to Griffin's Asperger's diagnosis.  I can't really remember other milestones right this minute.  So maybe my starting point should be to take a serious look at the last year and acknowledge other hurdles we cleared and blessings we received.  The fact that all three of my children are alive and healthy is actually enough for me.

I hope this New Year's you'll pause and take a little time to reflect on the past and gear up for a hopeful future.  There's nothing wrong with setting goals and making resolutions (in my book).  I think it takes a little processing time to close one chapter and start writing the next.  Now is a great time for that.

Here's to all the possibilities of a new year!

Jessica  

P.S.  Here are two great free printables if you need help with your New Year's resolutions!

Kids' Resolutions Worksheet

Adults' Resolutions Worksheet

Food Frustration

Many of you know that I've lost a bit of weight this year.  I actually lost 45 lbs. this spring.  I would love to lose another 10 lbs, but I needed to bump weight loss down a little on my priority list to accommodate other important things in my life.

My weight loss success was due to exercise and tracking my food on my SparkPeople phone app.  I did pay special attention to keeping my carbs in check and increasing my protein intake.  My success came after two years of frustration over trying to lose weight with very little results for my efforts.

It seems that everyone I know is on a diet or trying to lose weight right now.  And every single person is doing it in a different way.  Some are working out insanely.  Some are doing high protein, low carb foods.  Some are doing only fresh "whole" foods.  Some are doing Weight Watchers.  Some are doing special shakes.  Some are even doing hormone therapies.  It's enough to make my head spin.

Food has been an issue for me for so long.  As I've been working on not being controlled by food or by my poor body image, I'm still confused about food.

I'm not quite sure what my food focus should be.

At various times, my food focus has been any of the following:

• Buying the cheapest foods to save my family money
• Using up every last bit of foods we have to minimize waste and save money
• Consuming fewer calories
• Choosing low carb foods and high protein foods
• Eating more fruits and vegetables
• Cutting out artificial sweeteners 
• Avoiding foods that aggravate my Irritable Bowel Syndrome and other stomach issues
• Making creative dinners for my family and trying new recipes

The problem is that very few of these food focuses overlap.  I can't eat lots of fruits when I'm limiting carbs.  Avoiding artificial sweeteners means I will likely be consuming more calories (by consuming real sugar instead of "diet" products).  And the most frustrating of all:  it's extremely difficult to save money on my grocery bill when I'm buying healthy foods (cheap foods tend to be not very healthy).

So I'm left paralyzed, unsure of how to approach food.

I'm currently dabbling in a little of everything.  I'm still trying to not go carb crazy, but sometimes I use what we have on hand to feed my family, no matter what it is.  We buy produce that's on sale, but I also use canned fruits and vegetables when I get them cheap (even though they are "processed").  I have a protein shake everyday to help increase my protein and keep me from eating a can of chocolate frosting for lunch.  I have several new dinner recipes I want to try, and I'd like to incorporate them soon, even if they have cheese or pasta or other foods that might be cut out otherwise.

It's hard for me to hear everyone else's view of what works for them or what they think is absolutely the way to go.  I get swayed by the current opinion.  I immediately feel ashamed that I haven't been doing it their way.  I know that I did something right to lose 45 pounds, but now that I'm not losing weight...my confidence is deflating.

I'm still learning how to be comfortable in my body and satisfied with my approach to food, regardless of how others look and what others are doing.  Apparently, I just have a really hard time feeling content.

So, I hope you have found some things that work for you.  But maybe don't tell me about it because I'll just pressure myself to do things your way.

Jessica       

Coping Behaviors

Last week at Bible study, we got on the topic of the show Hoarders.  A couple women felt that the people on these shows are lazy; however, another woman pointed out that there are much deeper issues behind hoarding behavior.  I strongly agreed with her.

I am fascinated by the psychology behind behaviors such as hoarding.  Each person has a story.  There has been a loss or trauma that led them to form an inappropriate attachment to belongings and even trash.  

Even those of us who live in clean(ish) houses have more in common with hoarders than we might like to think.  

I experienced some trauma and developed an inappropriate attachment to food.  Food is necessary to survive.  Food on its own is not bad, evil, or unhealthy (well...some is unhealthy!).  However, I have turned to food to fill needs that are not physical.  

My relationship with food is a complicated web of hurtful actions, words, and attitudes.  I have identified many of the factors that have led me to where I am, and I'm doing my best to combat each one with truth.  I even created a chart to list the reasons for my unhealthy relationship with food, the truth that corresponds to each reason, and a Bible verse to support each truth.

Here are some examples (click to enlarge):

This is pretty personal stuff.  I'm hoping that since I'm being this vulnerable with you, you will at least take a moment to be honest with yourself.

What behaviors have you developed as a way of coping with life?  What has grown out of proportion?  Is there something healthy with which you have developed an unhealthy relationship?

I remember learning in a college psychology class that people often develop coping mechanisms that serve them well in a situation (such as abuse).  But then later in their lives, when they are no longer in that situation, they discover that the coping mechanism is no longer serving them well and may actually be harming them.  

The questions is:  How is this behavior working for you?

You may have learned to clean your house to settle your anxiety or exercise rather than show emotion.  Or maybe you drink alcohol to unwind from a stressful workday.  Or you get lost in online virtual worlds because it's easier than working on difficult relationships in your real life.

The actual behavior doesn't matter.  What really matters is what you're not doing.

When we rely on these coping behaviors, we're not relying on God.  

This is not just some preachy statement.  Remember, I'm the girl who just shared some details of my most personal struggle.  I'm not hurling fancy Bible verses at you.  I'm trying to help you see your coping behaviors for what they are and see God for who He is.

God is for us.  God is with us.  He heals.  He restores.  He already has plans for us, and he says they're good ones (see Jeremiah 29:11).  He asks the weary to come to him and dump their heavy burdens on him (see Matthew 11:28-29).  

The Bible is full of people with messed up pasts.  Some had junk handed down to them from previous generations.  Some made some pretty bad choices.  But all who were willing to receive experienced God's healing and restoration.

Think you're too far gone?  Think again.  David had a pretty good beginning, but then he derailed when he committed adultery and murder.  He sought God's forgiveness and was not only restored but was called "a man after God's own heart."  And God chose to bring Jesus into David's line of descendants.  

On the night Jesus was arrested, he warned Peter that he would deny Jesus three times.  Despite Jesus' warning, Peter did indeed deny ever knowing his great teacher and leader.  After Jesus' resurrection, he sought Peter out for a private conversation.  He reassured Peter that his love for Jesus would never again fail and that he would live a long life devoted to telling others about Christ.

God shows us over and over that He is willing and able to restore us and make us whole, healthy, faithful people.  But somehow we don't believe that He will do for us what he has done for so many others.

Look at these verses:

• "For the Son of Man came to seek and save the lost." Luke 19:10 (NIV)
• "When Jesus heard this, he told them, 'Healthy people don't need a doctor--sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.'"  Mark 2:17 (NLT)
• "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"  2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)
• "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation."  1 Peter 5:10 (NLT)
• "Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you."  Psalm 51:12 (NLT) This is David after he committed adultery and murder.
• "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"  Romans 8:31 (NIV) 

Are we making any progress here?

I can still bake and enjoy the creative process of making food.  And I can enjoy eating my food.  But when I need comfort, I need to be in prayer.  When I feel uncertain and need to find something/someone consistent, I need to open my Bible to see that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  And when I need to know that I have value (and I'm not just the overweight girl), I need to rest on God's unfailing love for me.

How are your behaviors working for you?

Jessica

Diet Foods: Snacks and Extras

I keep forgetting to write this last post of my favorite diet foods.  These are snacks, sides, and extras.  Ok, I guess you gathered that from the title.  

One of my favorite snacks is Weight Watchers Mozzarella String Cheese.

These also come in a smoked flavor, but I haven't tried those since I love the regular mozzarella so much.  These are salty and fun to eat.  Each cheese stick has only 50 calories, 2.5 g fat, and no carbs.  Each one also has 6 g of protein, which will help you feel full and will help you meet your daily protein goal (which can be difficult for me unless I'm very intentional).

{I did try the Sargento Light String Cheese, and I really didn't like it as much as the Weight Watchers.  The Sargento version tastes more buttery (which some people might like; I didn't), and they don't tear into little strings.  Yes, I eat my string cheese like a kid.}

Another low carb and high protein snack is gelatin bites (these would hit more of a sweet/fruity craving).  We buy Kroger Brand Gel Bites.

I eat these when I'm still hungry at night but I've used up my carbs for the day.  I think the Black Cherry flavor tastes more like artificial sweetener, so I prefer the Strawberry flavor.  I think there's also an orange flavor.

I also eat Kroger Lite Yogurts for snacks or sometimes with a meal. 

I'm very picky about yogurt (not a huge fan), and the only kind I actually like is Yoplait Light Boston Creme Pie.  However, the Kroger Lite Yogurts have much fewer calories (most are 80 calories).  Since I think they taste like artificial sweetener, I usually throw in a handful of grapes for some natural sweetness and a different texture.  I like the vanilla flavor and the strawberry banana flavor, but again that's just me being picky.

I have found that I like to combine certain foods in order to make the "diet" foods more tolerable (like the yogurt and grapes).  Another combo I like is Low Fat Cottage Cheese and Kiwi.

I grew up sprinkling sugar on my cottage cheese, so I don't always love eating it plain.  I do like cottage cheese with fruit, like peaches or pineapple.  I think the low fat version tastes just as good as regular, and it's a nice compromise between fat-free and regular.  

My family has been on a kiwi kick for a couple of months now.  My kids love them, and they are a great fruit from a nutrition standpoint. You can buy them individually, but they tend to be under-ripe, too firm, and tart tasting.  Our grocery store carries them in a plastic container (6 per container), and they are perfect.  Every kiwi is juicy and sweet.  It only takes a minute to cut the ends off, cut off the skin, and slice the fruit.  I love the sweetness they add to my cottage cheese, and I enjoy the crunchy little seeds for texture contrast. 

Another little grocery store find we love is Dried Cranberries.  There's a big difference between the Ocean Spray Craisins and the clear plastic containers found near the produce section. 

These cranberries (in the clear plastic containers) are so plump and chewy that they make the Craisins seem like nothing but dried cranberry skins.  Everyone in my family loves eating these plain as a snack.  I've also combined them with some pistachios for a salty & sweet snack (just watch portion size of pistachios).

I have found that adding toasted Sliced Almonds to various foods elevates them from boring to delicious. 

I measure my serving size to make sure I'm not overindulging on fats, and I toast them briefly in a dry skillet over medium/low heat (DO NOT walk away from them or they will burn!  Don't ask me how I know).  Toasting them makes a huge difference in flavor.  These are what make salads edible to me.  

I often eat Laughing Cow Light Cheeses for snacks or lunch. 

I eat one wedge with either one serving of Reduced Fat Wheat Thins or one serving of pretzels (twists or sticks).  With only 35 calories per wedge, and several flavors to choose from, these make a great snack.

You can make your own snack starting with Wonton Wrappers.  I get these at Walmart, and they are in a refrigerated shelving area near the produce. 

My sister introduced these to me and taught me how to bake them.  Start by lightly spraying a baking sheet with fat-free cooking spray.  Then lay out the wrappers in a grid, with edges touching.  For a salty snack, sprinkle shredded (not grated) Parmesan cheese over the wrappers.  For a sweet snack, sprinkle a cinnamon and sugar mixture over them.  Then lightly spray your cooking spray over the flavored wrappers, and use a pizza cutter to cut them into either smaller squares or triangles (depending on where you cut).  This is where it's nice to have them all lined up and touching.  Bake them at 350 until they are light/medium brown and bubbled (approximately 9 minutes).  Let cool.  They make a great crunchy snack, and have fewer calories and less fat than traditional chips. 

I love drinking Dr. Pepper and Cherry Coke.  When I started my diet (on January 1), I made a conscious effort to drink at least 8 glasses of water per day.  But I still occasionally wanted a soda.  Each can of regular soda has approximately 250 calories, depending on the brand and flavor.  That's a lot when I'm sticking to my daily calorie budget!

I detest diet soda.  Gross.  But sometimes I need a little caffeine fix to get me through my day.  So I discovered Diet Cherry Coke and Cherry Coke Zero.

The cherry flavor makes it palatable for me, and each can still has zero calories.  I don't even know the difference between the Diet Coke and the Coke Zero.  I just know I can treat myself to a soda every now and then without guilt.

One last food I have to share is a recent discovery.  These are great as a side dish for lunch or dinner, but I admit I have eaten one as a snack when I just needed something fast and didn't feel like thinking too hard.  They are Green Giant Just for One Cauliflower and Cheese Sauce.

One package includes 4 individual trays/servings.  You just peel the top film back at one corner and microwave for a couple minutes.  Each serving has only 40 calories!  Keep in mind that I'm a girl who has trouble choking down veggies, and I actually enjoy the cauliflower with cheese sauce.  I haven't tried the broccoli version.  Because I really don't like broccoli.

These suggestions wrap up my list of favorite diet foods (for now!).  As I discover new favorites, I'll share those as well.  I've already heard from two people who have tried one of my favorites and liked them.  And both of those people are successfully losing weight!

After three months of eating healthy and working hard to lose weight, I'm growing a little weary of all my "usuals."  So please feel free to share any of your favorites with me!

Jessica

Diet Foods: Meals

This will be the longest of the diet food posts because there are so many options for lunches and diners.  Some of these are main course items, and many are side dishes.

I love using ground turkey breast in place of hamburger.  I use it for spaghetti, goulash, even pizza toppings.  Just be careful when you choose your ground turkey because some options have about the same amount of fat as ground beef.  Be sure it says something like 97% Fat Free or turkey breast (not just ground turkey).  The packages I buy contain 4 servings, so I usually brown it all at once and then divide it up.  I use one serving right away and put the other three away in the fridge for use later in the week.

I think most people probably know that chicken breasts are a nice lean meat.  I like them grilled for delicious flavor.  Since it's still cold and gross here, I have to bake them or cook them in a skillet. 

Tuna is another great meat option.  One can of tuna is usually 2 servings, but you can eat the whole can without feeling guilty.  I like to mix it with one tablespoon of Kraft Miracle Whip Light (which I think is every bit as good as the full-fat version):

I eat my tuna with Reduced Fat Wheat Thins (16 crackers for one serving) and call it a lunch:

If you like fish, I suggest you try Schwan's Breaded Blue Hake:

I ordered these after I had a random craving for a McDonald's fish sandwich, which I knew was off limits.  These are a Live Smart (diet) item, and they are crunchy and delicious out of the oven.  

If you don't order Schwan's food then you can probably find frozen Tilapia fillets (I find them at both Kroger and at Walmart).  Tilapia is a light fish and very lean.  We like it with lemon pepper sprinkled on top before we bake it.  

My last meat suggestion might seem gross to some of you.  I grew up eating cold hot dogs and still enjoy them (warm or cold!) today.  My favorites are Oscar Mayer 98% Fat Free Weiners (made with turkey).

Sometimes I eat these hot dogs plain, wrapped in a tortilla with some (diet) cheese, or even sliced and placed on top of my diet pizza (recipe to follow).

I really like Thomas 100% Whole Wheat Bagel Thins:

These make great sandwiches, egg sandwiches, or even pizzas.  I lay one bagel open, distribute 1/4 cup pizza or spaghetti sauce evenly between the two halves (be careful...sauces can have a surprising amount of calories!), sprinkle 1/4 cup fat-free shredded cheese on each half, and sprinkle browned ground turkey or sliced hot dog on top.  Place the two mini pizzas on a baking sheet and bake at 425 degrees for 10 minutes.  Yum!

I have been substituting Kraft Fat-Free Shredded Cheddar for regular cheese in several recipes.  I also use the mozzarella version.

When I make pasta dishes for my family, I make mine using whole wheat pasta.  I use several brands of wheat pasta and like them all.  I use the rotini and penne all the time.  Be sure to measure your pasta to ensure you're sticking to the serving size.

Another swap I've made is substituting brown rice for white rice.  And guess what...my kids love it!  It has a great texture, and we like the flavor with just salt and pepper on it.  I use Minute Brown Rice because it cooks quickly and in the microwave.  The box lists cooking instructions for 2 servings, so I just cut the rice and water amounts in half for 1 serving for myself (and cut cooking time in half).

 In addition to these wheat products that I love, I have been hunting for a good wheat tortilla.  My husband and I have compared nutrition facts until we were cross-eyed.  There are SO many options in the tortilla department, and most of them are tricky.  They can be low in carbs but still high in calories or fat.  We finally found the very best choice.  Learn from me and just go straight for Ole Xtreme Wellness High Fiber Low Carb Tortillas.  In our grocery store, these are near the bread (not in the refrigerated section). 

 Compare the nutrition facts on these to other tortillas, and you'll be amazed.  Plus they taste great!  These can be used for breakfast burritos (with my 1 egg & 2 egg whites combo and chicken bacon), chicken wraps, etc.

I know this is a long post, but I figure someone should benefit from all of my time spent comparing products and searching for new go-to foods.  Hopefully some of these will make their way onto your table.

Jessica

Here are links to nutrition information for products discussed here:

Lean ground turkey

Chicken breasts

Light tuna

Miracle Whip Light

Reduced Fat Wheat Thins

Schwan's Breaded Blue Hake

Tilapia Fillets

Low fat hot dogs

Bagel thins

Fat free shredded cheese

Whole wheat pasta

Brown rice

Tortillas

*Of course, you can always just pull up the nutrition info in your Spark People app!

Diet Foods: Breakfast

I'm in a bit of a breakfast rut right now, but I wanted to share the breakfast foods I like most (that are diet friendly, that is!).  I start every morning with coffee.  Can't help it.  I use fat-free cream, and I use a little sugar and a little Truvia:

I'm not sure if I'll ever kick my coffee habit, but I do think watching my sugar and cream helps.  Plus I drink half decaf and half regular coffee.  Anyway, I do not like other artificial sweeteners, but I have no issues with Truvia.  

Everyone knows eggs are a yummy breakfast food.  But I have a little trick.  I combine two egg whites with one whole egg.  I whip them up with a fork like scrambled eggs, but without milk.  Then I just cook them in my little skillet (with salt and pepper).  This way I get the flavor from the one egg yolk without the extra fat and cholesterol I would get from the two egg yolks I omit.

Eggs and bacon are a match made in Heaven, but I opt for turkey bacon.  Since I love my bacon very crispy {nearly burnt}, I lay the bacon on a paper towel, cover it with another paper towel, and microwave it.  It comes out crispy and delicious.

Then my awesome husband discovered chicken bacon.  This stuff tastes exactly like turkey bacon, but it has fewer calories and less fat.  Same story here:  I cook it in the microwave.  In fact, I put it in the microwave and then cook my eggs, and it's all ready about the same time.

A recent breakfast discovery I've made is steel cut oatmeal.  I wanted to try this make-ahead oatmeal, but all I could find is the "instant" steel cut oatmeal, which doesn't cook the same as regular steel cut oatmeal.  Since I didn't discover this difference until after I had brought it home from the store, I decided to give it a try.  It's very easy to make (it does indeed take 5 minutes, as stated on the package).  I usually add an obscene amount of brown sugar to my oatmeal {yum}.  But this oatmeal has such great texture, and I've discovered a new add-in:

     

I love sprinkling golden raisins on my oatmeal because they add tons of sweetness.  I add them right away after the oatmeal cooks, and the heat softens the raisins just a little.  Sometimes I still add 1-2 teaspoons of brown sugar, which is waaaay less than I used to.  

And for anyone who hasn't had these, yes golden raisins taste different than regular dark raisins.  Golden raisins are much more plump and chewy (in a good way).

This last pick is really more of a snack, but I grab a Special K 90 Calorie Bar when I need to eat breakfast on the go.  I really like the Chocolatey Chip Cookie flavor pictured above.  I also like the Strawberry flavor seen here:

Since I like these so much, I tried the Special K Protein Meal bars.  Big mistake.  Huge.  They tasted awful.  I would not recommend them.

So there you have it.  These are my current breakfast selections.  I need to mix things up, huh?  Stay tuned for my favorite selections for lunch & dinner, snacks, and extras.

Jessica 

Diet Foods: Desserts

I want to share all my favorite "diet" foods in case any of you are looking for some healthy favorites.  I think we should start with desserts first, don't you?

Let me also state that I'm not being compensated in any way for recommending any particular brands.  These are all my own opinions.

Smart Ones Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Sundaes are my absolute favorite diet dessert.  I wouldn't have survived this long without these things.  I did not like the Smart Ones Turtle Sundaes, and I think the Brownie Fudge Sundaes are fine but not amazing.  As usually happens with all my favorite foods, the company decided to "improve" the product.  The sundaes now come in a 4-pack like this:

I swear they taste different in the new packaging.  They used to be wider and shallower, so I felt like I was eating more.  Now each container is narrower and deeper and appears smaller.  The worst part is that now the cookie crust is barely detectable in the "new and improved" version.  Boo.  Don't mess with my favorite treat.

My next fantastic find is Breyers Carb Smart Vanilla Ice Cream.  I'm a girl who likes full-fat super creamy ice cream with an equal amount of toppings as ice cream.  So I'm fairly hard to please when it comes to light ice cream.  I never would have imagined that I would like this ice cream as much as I do.  It is creamy and doesn't taste artificial.  I always measure out my 1/2 cup serving (because I don't trust myself to eyeball it).  It's low enough in calories, fat, and carbs that I can either eat it plain (which is surprisingly good) or add some sort of topping (like a 100 calorie pack of Oreos).

I eat these Snack Packs as a late-night snack as often as I eat them as a dessert.  I personally like them cold, so I keep 'em in the fridge.  I don't like the taste of most sugar-free foods because I don't like the taste of artificial sweeteners.  But this pudding is chocolatey and yummy.

We order food from Schwan's when we can get a good deal or find a food that we absolutely love.  Schwan's has a line called LiveSmart, which is basically all of their healthier foods.  I really like their LiveSmart Enticings Chocolate and Vanilla Low-Fat Ice Cream Sandwiches.

This concludes my list of favorite diet desserts for now.  I don't care how much weight I have to lose; I can't live without dessert.  I hope some of these can become your favorites too!

Jessica