Who I Am

Let's just say it.  I'm anal.  I am.  Some may see me as uptight but I think my ways just make good sense.

For example, I own scissors for fabric, scissors for food, and scissors for paper.  My kids know which pair to use for cutting open popsicles and which to use for homework projects.  And which ones to never touch.

I want my fabric scissors to stay sharp enough to cut through fabric well.  I want the food scissors to always be clean.  But I also don't want my kids to grow up afraid of choosing the wrong scissors.  So I work on tempering my black-and-whiteness with grace.

But I think it's pretty clear that I'm a girl who loves rules and boundaries.  I like to know what's expected and how I'm doing.

Believe it or not, this can lead to problems in the Christian life.  It leads to a little something called legalism, where I worship the rules instead of God.

Today I finished reading For the Love by Jen Hatmaker.  I highly recommend it, by the way.  It's filled with humor and sarcasm and truth, all things I enjoy.  I love her chapter where she writes one letter to Church Leaders and one to Church People.  I want to photocopy it and distribute it.

In her chapter entitled "Dear Christians, Please Stop Being Lame," she writes the following:

I obviously related to this passage.  I do want boundaries.  I do want to stand before God having gotten it right.  I do want to be assured of my insider status.  And I have asked all the same questions Jen Hatmaker mentioned here in her book.

Can I just be really really honest with you for a minute?  Even if it's not pretty?  I did fight for my insider status within the church.  Let me say, without hesitation, that I genuinely loved the people I served, legitimately wanted to further God's kingdom, sincerely sought the guidance of the Holy Spirit as I lived out my many roles within the church.  But part of me also grew to love being so rooted in the church.  I liked belonging.  I liked being useful and serving a purpose.  And I liked feeling approved.

Somewhere along the way "who I am" got tangled up with "what I do at church."  My world is so small.  I'm a stay-at-home mom to three kids and I babysit two more kiddos.  My world consists of my house, two schools, church, and Walmart.  Some days I just have this inner voice that asks the question, "Is there more to me than being a mom?"  It's the best job in the whole wide world, but I also know that if I am to survive these chickadees flying from my nest, then I need to have my identity be based on more than motherhood.  Since I'm not looking for Walmart to define me, church became my identity-giver.

And really it makes sense to find my identity at church.  My relationship with God is the most important thing in my life.  I just didn't realize that all this time I have been building an identity based on who I am in the body of Christ, rather than who I am to God.  Do you see the difference?  One is who others perceive me to be and the other is who God knows me to be.

There's another passage in For the Love that fits our current discussion.  In Hatmaker's letter to Church Leaders, she describes what happens when "ministry" is defined solely by church activities.

"When you tell your people, 'Come Sunday for worship, Tuesday morning for Bible study, Wednesday night for Community Group, Thursday night for Awana, Friday night for a service project, and Saturday afternoon for leadership training,' it is defeating.  Intentionally or not, it develops a culture in which discipleship is measured by attendance."

I became so highly aware of this once my attendance became less than perfect.  I felt (honest:  feel) scolded for not being the good Church Woman I'd groomed myself to be.  I've heard so many people in our church say something like, "We are in church every time the doors are open!"  I internalized that as a requirement for holiness.  So now that I'm not at church every time there's a service or event, I feel like a Less Than.

Oh, hear it.  Hear me say that I love my church.  I highly value specialized ministries offered at my church.  I would have shriveled into spiritual oblivion without my Bible study ladies.  Before my son's endless headache that rocked our world, I was super involved at my church.  I taught an adult Sunday school class (my very favorite role!), participated fully in women's Bible studies, planned and hosted baby and bridal showers (with two other women), served on a Sunday School & Discipleship Ministries Board, planned on a decorating committee when our church built a giant addition, planned and decorated for various gatherings such as our annual Women's Retreat, typed devotions for couples in our church, interviewed potential volunteers for our children's department, and taught a class about healthy sexuality for married women.  I was a busy woman.  Sometimes I felt like I was going to lose my mind.  But I wasn't about to say no to anything because I really do love people and want to serve God by serving people.

Once The Headache descended upon us and this whole medical crisis blew up in the middle of our ordinary life, everything had to change.  Most of it against my will.  One by one, God gently removed each precariously balanced role from my hands and said, "Honey, I'll take this."  When I looked at each thing individually, I loved each one.  But all piled up, I was simply carrying too much.  I'm guessing I probably would never have given up most of these precious roles if I hadn't been forced to by the extremely overwhelming task of caring for a chronically ill child.

The hardest crown for me to lay down, by far, was that of Sunday School Teacher.  I just flat out LOVE those people, and I'm afraid no one will love them as fiercely as I do.  Sound crazy?  I can't help it.  Even with being exhausted and--quite honestly--burned out, I just couldn't give it up.  So God pulled it from my kung-fu grip and patted me on the head.

So here I am.  I am not a teacher.  I am not a church decorator.  I am not a party planner.  I am not a decision-maker or a cupcake-baker.  I no longer have perfect attendance.  I'm wandering in uncharted territory where the boundaries aren't as clearly marked.

Jen Hatmaker says living the gospel life was simple according to Jesus:  love God and love people (see Matthew 22:36-40).  So I'm gonna work on these.  Each day I basically say, "God, what in the world does trusting You look like today?"  I'm learning what it means to love Him when He doesn't do what I wish He would do, when I am empty, when I don't understand, when we have a good day, when I get sleep, when I'm too tired for anything.  Oh, I love Him.  I'm practicing living out that love.

And the second most important commandment is to love people.  Sometimes that might look like church-organized events or ministries.  But sometimes that looks like taking my daughter to a birthday party and seeking out the one mom who doesn't know anybody else and drawing her into the conversation very deliberately so she knows she's welcome in our circle of friends.  That used to look like my family going to church on Wednesday nights so Jared and I could spend quality time praying for the people of our church while our kids participated in a Christian scouting program.  I love the Wednesday night crowd.  But now loving people looks like staying in on Wednesday nights so my kids can get a little time with their parents instead of being asked to listen and perform after a long day of school.  It's baking banana bread with my daughter while my boys play a game together.  It's getting my kids to bed at a decent time so we can all be more lovely on Thursday mornings.

We are slooooowwwly figuring out what our "new normal" is.  I'm still not a huge fan but I'm learning how to deal with it.  I still feel like I have dirty secrets (like not attending Wednesday night church) and like I wear some mark of shame for no longer being who I was.  However, I'm also discovering that the time I used to invest in my weekly lessons can be spent reading books like For the Love or even--gasp--fiction books!  I'm not as busy with school volunteer work, so I can get to work lifting up other moms at the school.  I'm focusing more on my family.  I'm listening to people rather than trying to earn their approval.

I'm learning who I am in Christ.  It's His approval that matters (ugh, will I ever learn this??).  He sees what my life looks like right now.  I don't have to explain to Him exactly what is so difficult about a kid with a headache.  He gets me.  Apparently He still has plans for me and they do not line up with my plans to wear pajamas all day, eat pure crap, and wait for life to change.  He is changing my course in order to shape me and use me.  He wants me to know that I am loved.  I am chosen.  I am redeemed.  I am clothed in righteousness.  I am His.  Every uptight part of me.

Jessica

This Week's Lessons

I've been secretly frustrated lately.  I've been feeling left out.  Overlooked.  Forgotten.  It's been happening with friends, family, and even at church.  I recently said to my husband, "We could move to a different country and I don't think it would affect anyone."

What may have started with other people's words and actions turned into a problem in my heart.

This past week was my kids' Spring Break.  Jared was gone on a business trip for the first half of the week, but then he was able to take the rest of the week off of work.  We were able to have some great family time, and we got to see all four of our parents at various times this week.

Last week as I was wrestling with my feelings, I just wanted to talk to my grandma who passed away a couple years ago.  No one could substitute, and I don't have access to her at the moment.

When we visited Jared's dad over Spring Break, I had the chance to sit and talk with Jared's grandma.  I got some of that matriarchal wisdom I was craving.  She reminded me of what I do have.  I know that I have literally the world's most amazing husband, and I'm so incredibly grateful for our three kids.  But I have a tendency to think, "Ok, my marriage is great and my kids are doing well, so I'll focus on what needs my attention or needs fixing."  Jared's grandma simultaneously reassured me that my tendency is natural and understandable, and she also helped me to see why I needed to shift my focus.  Only a grandma can correct you in such a gentle way. :)

Later that night Jared's dad showed me the book his church small group is studying, What On Earth Am I Here For? by Rick Warren.  As I flipped through the book, God directed my attention to a section near the end of the book.  He put a label on the part I've played in my recent struggles:  Envy.

Yuck!  I don't want to have envy in my heart!  I usually have no trouble rejoicing with people around me, so I didn't see this coming.  But of course, God was right.  He helped me to see that I was envious of time other friends spend together while I crave more connection with women.  I was envious of other people being recognized for what they do at church while I was repeatedly passed over for jobs I volunteered to do.  I was envious of other people's close-knit families (or at least how I perceive them to be) while I have been longing for deeper relationships with family members.

Rick Warren had several helpful things to say about envy:

• It's foolish to compare myself to others because I'm incomparable!  So is everyone else.  God made each of us to be unique.
• Comparing always leads to one of two negative reactions:  pride or envy.  You can always find someone you think you're better than, and you will be prideful. On the other hand, you will always find people that you think are doing better than you, and you will become envious and discouraged.
• One reason we sometimes find it hard to "rejoice with those who rejoice" is because we fear that there is only a limited supply of God's goodness and grace, so if others get a bigger slice of cake, then I may not get as much.  But God's grace is boundless.  Ephesians 3:8 speaks of "the unending, boundless, fathomless, incalculable, and exhaustless riches of Christ." 
• When you find yourself beginning to envy someone else, instead of wishing you had their job or talent or boyfriend or children or whatever, remind yourself that "God has given me some unique gifts they don't have, and besides that, I don't know the downside of being them."
• The point above is just like what Lysa TerKeurst taught me to remind myself when I feel jealous:  "I'm not equipped to handle her good, and I'm not equipped to handle her bad."
• One of the signs that envy has entered my heart is when I start feeling, "It's not fair!  It's not fair that I don't have what they have!"  Anytime we accuse God of unfairness, we are actually doubting his goodness.  Envy is the symptom, but doubting God is the disease.
• Anytime you envy others, you are doubting that God knows what's best for you.  You question his love, his justice, and even his wisdom.  

Warren goes on to say that anytime you start to rant about God's unfairness to you, remind yourself of these facts:

1. Everything I have is an undeserved gift from God.  I wouldn't even exist if it weren't for God's grace.  The next breath of air I take is a gift from God.
2. I don't know what God knows and I can't see what God sees, so I should trust him.
3. Life on earth is unfair because of sin, not because of God.  Our rebellion against God has broken everything on the planet.  This isn't heaven, where everything works perfectly.  Nothing works perfectly here.
4. God sent Jesus to save us from the judgment day when he will balance the books, right all wrongs, and administer justice.
5. It was not fair for Jesus to die in my place for my sins.  But he did.

Several of those points were reiterated for me this morning through my pastor's sermon.  He spoke about a completely different topic, but God wove some of the same Bible verses into the sermon that He used to speak to me last week.

One of the many books I'm reading right now (I currently have what I call "book ADD") is A Confident Heart by Renee Swope.  I read a little this afternoon, and of course God used that time to speak to me as well.

Here are a few highlights from my reading today:

• How do we know if we are hearing the voice of condemnation that comes from the accuser, or the voice of conviction that comes from God?  Condemnation sweeps across our thoughts with generalized statements such as, You're such a failure, You're so hypocritical, or You can never be counted on.  The Holy Spirit's conviction will be specific.  (My thoughts have been more along the lines of the generalized negative condemning statements.  God showed me my specific sin of envy.)
• We have to accept that we are going to disappoint people, especially if we are seeking to please God.
• Every time you fail to be the woman God calls you to be, or the woman you expect yourself to be, let God remind you of the progress you've made.  Even though you may not be quite who you want to be, you are not who you used to be!
• Comparison is one of woman's worst enemies.
• We compare how we feel inadequate on the inside with someone who looks like they have it all together on the outside.
• God never intended for us to compete with each other.  We are different parts of one body.
• I have been guilty of thinking God wasn't fair or didn't love me as much because He didn't give me the talents I admired in others.

This is not the first time God has told me to stop comparing myself to other people.  It's one of those repeated lessons that I honestly wonder if I'll ever learn.  Right now I have a lot of questions about what God has next for me, how God wants to use me, what I have to offer, where my unique spot is, etc.  These questions are designed to lead me back to God, and I get myself into trouble when I try to answer them by my own reason and logic.  Or when I get so stuck searching for answers rather than simply trusting God to lead me in His timing.

One other thing God made me realize after I wrote all this is that I tend to envy certain parts of each person around me, as if I'm shopping ala cart from each life around me so I can build what I perceive to be the perfect combination for my life.  How unlike me to want to make something perfect. ;)  However, each person's circumstances are a package deal.  I can't take one good thing from each example I see and ignore the bad that comes along with what they've been given.  No matter how much I want to.

I know this post is long and probably not nearly as meaningful for any of you as it was for me.  I wasn't going to write it but decided to go ahead for my own sake.  I needed a place to process what I'm learning.

I'll have a more light-hearted post for you as soon as I get a chance to edit some pictures of a fun activity I did with the kids last week.

Jessica

Things I Wanted To Tell You

I keep a (super cute) notepad on the side of my fridge so I can jot down ideas I have for blog posts.  There are many ideas I never quite get around to writing.  For example, I still haven't written up my favorite moving tips, and we've been in our new house for six months.

For today I thought I'd just clump a few of these ideas together so I can cross off multiple ideas from my list without writing individual blog posts for each one.  I'm guessing every now and then we'll have one of these "catch up" days where I tell you a few random things.

Date With Griffin

One Saturday while Griffin had basketball, the other two kids got to attend a fun birthday party at Monkey Joe's (loud, chaotic place with lots of jumpy inflatables).  This was right after Griffin started doing well at basketball, and I was super nervous about how he would do.

He didn't throw a fit about not being able to go to the party, and he did an awesome job at basketball.  So, I took him on a date after basketball.

He chose to go to Sonic for our date, and I obliged.  We parked at Sonic and kept the car running since we were in negative temperatures at the time.  He came up and sat in the passenger seat while we ate.  I even let him order a big ice cream treat for dessert.  We ate and talked and watched a bunch of birds in a nearby field.

He finished off about 1/4 of his giant shake!

We had lots of fun with the "I Spy" toy that came in his kid's meal.

It was so much fun!  Griffin still occasionally talks proudly about our date.  We'll definitely have to do more dates in the future.

Hesitation

Every morning I drive the kids to school.  We park on the street, and I walk the boys up to the front door of the school.  I hug and kiss them, watch them walk in, and Nora and I walk back to the car.

Well, we hit a sad but inevitable milestone about a month ago.

We walked to the school door like usual.  I hugged Griffin and he gave me a kiss.  Then I hugged Nolan just as he spotted a kid from his class approaching.  Next would be when I would kiss him.

Nolan hesitated.

I could read him.  I saw the whole thing unfolding, and I knew what was happening.  For the first time, he didn't want to kiss me in front of his peers.

I'm not gonna lie:  it stung.

But I also know that independence grows in these tiny steps.  If I ever want Nolan to be a healthy, independent adult (and somewhere down deep I do), then I have to let him pull away in tiny increments.

He still hugs and kisses me if there are no other kids around.  If there are kids nearby, our kiss is fast or maybe I just kiss his cheek or forehead.  He knows I love him, and I know he loves me.  That's enough for both of us.

Quinoa Pizza Bites

We officially tried quinoa.  And I have to say--we liked it!

I made this recipe for Quinoa Pizza Bites from Fit For Success.

I doubled the recipe and omitted the onion.  I used my 1.5 tablespoon scoop to put the quinoa mixture into my mini muffin tin, and it made 28 quinoa bites.

I made these for dinner, and my kids even loved them!  Everyone except Griffin dipped them in pizza sauce.  We'll be having these again!

Sausage Stuffed Zucchini Boats

Another new recipe we tried recently is Sausage Stuffed Zucchini Boats from SkinnyTaste.

Jared and I loved them, Nolan liked them, and the other two kids weren't fans.  Can't win 'em all.

The Book Thief

Over Christmas break, I read The Book Thief.  It was SO good!  I highly recommend this book.

Do yourself a favor and read the book before you see the movie.  Trust me.  I think the movie will be good, but I just don't think there's any way a movie can do this book justice.

The book is extremely unique in its writing style.  It is narrated by Death and tells the story of a little girl living in Nazi Germany.  I normally don't like historical novels, but this one certainly won me over.  The character of Death is dynamic and unexpected.  I was intrigued by his views on war.  Here's a little excerpt from the book:

In all honesty (and I know I'm complaining excessively now), I was still getting over Stalin, in Russia.  The so-called second revolution--the murder of his own people.
Then came Hitler.
They say that war is death's best friend, but I must offer you a different point of view on that one.  To me, war is like the new boss who expects the impossible.  He stands over your shoulder repeating one thing, incessantly:  "Get it done, get it done."  So you work harder.  you get the job done.  The boss, however, does not thank you.  He asks for more.

The book is actually about a little girl named Liesel, and I guarantee you will be drawn into her story.

I rented The Book Thief through the library on my Kindle, so I got to read it for free.  It was a bit lengthy but so so soooo worth it.  I connected with the characters in the book, I wanted to keep reading the stories, and I fell in love with the actual writing.

I highly recommend reading this book!

*****

We're not exactly caught up, but I think that's good for now. :)

Jessica

Book Review: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

I recently told you about my trip to the library.  I checked out the book Look Me in the Eye and wrote a review of it.  Then the author of the book commented on my blog!  Twice!  Just thought that was worth mentioning one more time. :)

Anyhow, while I was at the library looking at the book sale, I spotted the book Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.  I had watched the movie last year and absolutely loved it.  You can read about that here.

I have a rule about movies based on books:  I always read the book first before seeing the movie (never the movie before the book).  However, I loved this movie SO much that I decided it would be worth reading the book.

Let me tell you:  it is so worth reading this book!  This might be the best thing I've ever bought for $2.

Part of the synopsis of the book on Wikipedia reads as follows:

The main protagonist of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close is a nine-year-old boy named Oskar Schell. Oskar Schell's father Thomas Schell dies in the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center on September 11, 2001, before the narrative begins. While looking through his father's closet, Oskar finds a key in a small envelope inside a vase, on the outside of the envelope the word "Black" is written in the top left corner. Curious, Oskar sets off on a mission to contact every person in New York City with the last name Black, in alphabetical order, in order to find the lock to the key his father left behind. The novel also tells a separate narrative that eventually converges with the main story through a series of letters written by Oskar's grandfather to Oskar's father and by Oskar's grandmother to Oskar himself, based on real life events.

There were a lot of differences between the book and the movie, and I have to say I prefer the book's version of this tale.  I had to adjust to the unique writing style in this book, and at times I had trouble following exactly who was talking.  I didn't mind using a little extra brain power to follow this incredible story.

In the movie Oskar says he was tested for Asperger's, but there is no such mention in the book.  I still connected with Oskar in a way that I probably wouldn't have if I did not have a son with Asperger's.  I think the author's portrayal of Oskar gives any reader more appreciation for people who are quirky or different in any way. 

Not only did this book make me cry on many occasions, but it also made me smile and laugh out loud over and over.  There were admittedly a few parts that I had trouble believing (mostly involving Oskar's grandparents), but I didn't let them detract from my overall enjoyment of the book.

This book now holds the distinction of being my current favorite fiction book.

If you loved the movie, read this book.  If you haven't seen the movie, read this book.  If you didn't like the movie, well, I suppose I leave it up to you to read the book or not.

Jessica

John Elder Robison

Well, I sure got quite a jolt of excitement and nervousness when I wrote about the book Look Me in the Eye and received a comment from the author himself, John Elder Robison.  I literally couldn't go to sleep that night!  Jared kept texting me the next day saying things like, "Hey, aren't you that girl who got a blog comment from a famous author?"  The whole thing made me giddy.

I spent a little time on his website and looking at his other two books (which I would now like to read).  Then today my friend sent me two YouTube videos of a show that Mr. Robison appeared on for Discovery Science Channel called "Ingenious Minds."

It was fascinating to watch!  I really enjoyed the visuals of things I had read about in his book (photos, drawings, etc.).  I also enjoyed hearing his voice and watching/listening to him speak after I had already learned so much about his life and tried to imagine what it was really like.  The scientific research portion of the video is also quite intriguing.  You can watch the videos here (Part 1 of 2 and part 2 of 2):

 

 
I learned new things I didn't know from Look Me in the Eye.  For example, John has since divorced the wife he spoke about in Chapter 27 of the book and has remarried.  Also, his son has been diagnosed with Asperger's, which is the topic of his newest book Raising Cubby. 

Robison has done incredible work shedding light on Asperger's and helping so many people understand Aspergians more.  His story is eye-opening and inspiring.  It helped me as a mom to a child with Asperger's, and he helped lift my spirits just by leaving a brief comment on some housewife's blog.  What a rush this little adventure has been right in the middle of my mundane week!

I guess you just never know when you might cross paths with someone important.

Jessica 

Book Review: Look Me in the Eye

Every Wednesday morning, I get about 2 hours of kid-free time.  Two hours per week.  So I always feel like I have to make the very most of these two hours.  Do you know how hard it is to cram in relaxation?  So, I've defaulted to using my Wednesday morning time to run errands, and I pretty much always end up at Walmart.

A couple weeks ago, I decided that Walmart was forbidden for my Wednesday morning two hours of freedom.  I wanted to do something just for me.  But what?

I hesitantly ended up at the library.  Now let me tell you that I only go to the children's side of our library.  I never venture over to the adult side.  Once I went over there with two of my kids so I could go see the book sale room, and I felt every dirty look and glare that we got as we walked through the quiet rows of books because my children weren't silent.

So I decided to dip my toes in the water of the grown-up side of the library while I was alone.  I walked in, took a left to enter the silent side, and realized I had no idea where to go.  I took slow jerky steps to nowhere.

Then I spotted several tables with rows of books for sale laid out.  Aha!  I know how to browse the books for sale.  This felt safe.  So I spent 20-30 minutes developing a cramp in my neck by walking slowly past all the books and reading all the titles.

I really didn't see anything interesting, but I didn't know where else to go.  Finally, I stumbled upon a gem.  I found a book I've been very interested in reading, so I paid the $2 to buy it.  But I'll tell you about that book in another post.

Once I grew very bored of walking with my head sideways pretending to be interested in the books for sale, I decide that this would be a good opportunity to look up books about Asperger's.  But there was a problem.  There are several sections of computers in this foreign land of the grown-up library world.  And there were people on all of them.  And I had no idea how to look up a book on their computers.

So I earned the Dork of the Year Award by coming up with my own solution.  I casually made my way to one of the comfy reading chairs, got out my smart phone, and searched on the library's website for books about Asperger's.  Yes, I was too timid to figure out the computers myself and too afraid to ask for help, so I used my phone.

At least I remembered the basics of the Dewie Decimal system, and I found the book myself once I had it pulled up on my phone.  There were lots of good options in the section on Autism and Asperger's.  I chose "Look Me in the Eye" by John Elder Robison.

I had heard of this book from several people.  John Elder Robison grew up with Asperger's but wasn't diagnosed until he was 40.  I thought it would be interesting to read about his life with Asperger's.

I had been warned that the book has some strong language and adult content, so I was prepared and found it tolerable.

I poured over the first several chapters, trying to absorb everything he said.  I kept comparing his words to what I've observed in Griffin.  Then my fervor for the book slowed down in the middle chapters when Robison talked about designing special effects guitars for the band KISS.  He went into detail about the various engineering projects he mastered throughout various stages of his life, and to be honest, I just couldn't stay very interested in all those details.  But I pressed on and tried to stay in the mindset of learning about this man's life (rather than just trying to understand Griffin better).

I really picked up reading speed again at Chapter 20, when Robison switched from a chronological retelling of his life to discussing specifics of how he processes conversations.  I was fascinated as he explained what goes through his mind during a typical social interaction.  Those parts of the book were extremely helpful for me to understand Griffin better and think about how to help him more.

Here are some of my favorite excerpts from the book: 

"Asperger's is not a disease.  It's a way of being.  There is no cure, nor is there a need for one.  There is, however, a need for knowledge and adaptation on the part of Aspergian kids and their families and friends.  I hope readers--especially those who are struggling to grow up or live with Asperger's--will see that the twists and turns and unconventional choices I made led to a pretty good life, and will learn from my story."  Page 5

"My conversational difficulties highlight a problem Aspergians face every day.  A person with an obvious disability--for example, someone in a wheelchair--is treated compassionately because his handicap is obvious.  No one turns to a guy in a wheelchair and says, "Quick!  Let's run across the street!"  And when he can't run across the street, no one says, "What's his problem?"  They offer to help him across the street.  With me, though, there is no external sign that I am conversationally handicapped.  So folks hear some conversational misstep and say, "What an arrogant jerk!"  I look forward to the day when my handicap will afford me the same respect accorded to a guy in a wheelchair.  And if the respect comes with a preferred parking space, I won't turn it down." Page 194

I have actually thought about that before.  People can't tell by looking at Griffin that he struggles with social interactions or transitions or things not following the order that he thinks they should.  His missteps are usually chalked up to him being a difficult child or to faulty parenting by me and Jared.  It's not that I want him to have an obvious visible defect, but I would love for people to know that he is an imperfect human who may just have different struggles than the rest of us.

Robison discussed a particular conversation he had with a friend named Laurie.  He broke down exactly what she said to him and how he thought through what his response should be.  Ultimately, Laurie did not like the response he chose, even though he used his best logical thinking skills to respond to her.  Then he wrote this:

"Thinking about conversations like the one I had with Laurie makes me mad.  People approach me, uninvited, and make unsolicited statements.  When they don't get the response they expect, they become indignant.  If I offer no response at all, they become indignant at that.  So there is no way for me to win.  Given that line of reasoning, why talk to people at all?  Well, many autistic people don't, possibly for that very reason.  But, for some reason, I want the Lauries of the world to like me.  To not think I'm weird.  I can be eccentric, but I don't want to be weird.  So I persist.  I try to say things a "normal" person would say."  Page 192

This passage struck me because I've already developed a bit of a hot button with the word "weird."  Griffin is a lot of things, but please don't call him weird.

I also noticed throughout the entire book that John Elder Robison truly wanted to have successful relationships with people.  This part of Asperger's has been a mystery to me.  Sometimes Griffin says or does something with absolutely no regard for how it affects the other person involved.  Even when I point out to him why he was rude/offensive/inconsiderate, he usually has no emotional response and often combats me with an overly logical argument for what he said or did.  And yet at other times, he does show empathy and connections to other people's emotions.

Last week he was supposed to take a pair of old mittens to preschool for an activity.  We only had gloves, so my friend Megan let us borrow a pair of their mittens.  After school, he was on a mission to return the mittens clean, matched, and in their bag to Megan.  He was so determined that he totally interrupted Megan while she was trying to talk to the teacher (Megan's son is in the same class as Griffin).  He didn't notice the problem of interrupting because he was set on proudly returning Megan's mittens to her.  Furthermore, he told me that they were supposed to eat their pie for snack time while wearing their mittens.  "Mom, I didn't wear the mittens to eat my pie because I didn't want to get Megan's mittens dirty," he told me.  So he was being considerate of her feelings and her property.  {Also, he told me that the pie was moose pie.  I later discovered that it was a chocolate mousse pie!}

Sometimes he says things like, "I feel sad for Owen because he was sick and couldn't come to school today."  Other times he doesn't care one bit that his actions are having a negative effect on others.  Or at least he appears to not care.  He used to not care at all when I disciplined him, often raising my voice more than I should.  Now he has times of responding with crying and even saying, "I don't want you to be mad at me."

Some of these mysteries are what kept us from having Griffin tested for an Autism Spectrum Disorder in the first place.  They are part of why I feel like I still don't understand Asperger's.  But I feel like the author of "Look Me in the Eye" gave me a better understanding of the fact that people with Asperger's still feel emotions and still want to have successful relationships with other people, but they just don't always understand how to navigate emotions and social interactions.

Robison described in his book that he felt he reached a choice between Door Number One and Door Number Two.  A choice between pressing on and learning to navigate the "normal" world or retreating into his own world of machines and circuits and things he loved and understood.  He chose Door Number One, but he also wrote this:

"As a functional Aspergian adult, one thing troubles me deeply about those kids who end up behind the second door.  Many descriptions of autism and Asperger's describe people like me as 'not wanting contact with others' or 'preferring to play alone.'  I can't speak for other kids, but I'd like to be very clear about my own feelings:  I did not ever want to be alone.  And all those child psychologists who said 'John prefers to play by himself' were dead wrong.  I played by myself because I was a failure at playing with others.  I was alone as a result of my own limitations, and being alone was one of the bitterest disappointments of my young life.  The string of those early failures followed me long into adulthood, even after I learned about Asperger's."  Page 211

The book overall was encouraging to me.  It definitely had its scary moments.  I was trembling at his descriptions of the horrible pranks he pulled on people and his ability to lie to people in a way that they completely believed him.  I just reminded myself that he and Griffin don't have identical personalities, and they certainly don't have the same upbringing (Robison's dad was an abusive alcoholic and his mother suffered with mental illness).

I'm so grateful to have this insider's view of Asperger's.  I think the book challenged me more to nurture Griffin in a way that appreciates who he is and pushes him to integrate into meaningful relationships.  I'm still really overwhelmed.  I still don't understand exactly where Griffin's pitfalls are.  I still don't know how much of what he says and does is because he has Asperger's and how much is because he's barely 5 years old and just hasn't mastered being human.

The last few chapters of the book were enlightening and entertaining.  And inspiring.  I cried through the whole Epilogue, which alone would have made the book worth reading.  I secretly cheered as I learned about Robison's successes as an adult living amongst other people.  I took mental notes as he described things his wife does that make their marriage and life together easier for them both.  Seriously heart-warming stuff.

Griffin may not be the exact same person as John Elder Robison, and I bet their Asperger's affects them both in different ways, but I'm so glad I read this book to understand this man better and hopefully use his life story (thus far) as a resource to understand my son.

Jessica  

*Update:  Please check out the comment I received just hours after posting this book review.  That's right folks, it's really him!  THE AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK!  I think this is what normal people feel like when they encounter a celebrity.

Holding God to His Word

One thing I love about my relationship with my sister is our ability (and freedom) to have phone conversations that last 2 minutes or shorter.

This afternoon she called me with a quick recipe question, and I quickly answered her question.  But then I hit her with a "quick" here's-what's-been-happening-in-my-world because I knew she would understand very well.

I've been frustrated with a particular relationship, and it's a tricky one to navigate.  This afternoon after I got my kids down for naps, I sat down and prayed.  I basically told God all the reasons I'm frustrated and how I know I can't make this right on my own.  I held out my handfuls of yuck and asked God to please dispose of it.  

Then I asked Him to refill me with love, patience, and compassion.  

When I told my sister about my prayer time, she was supportive and knew God would be happy to make that trade.  She said she has a tendency to hold God to His promises.  

That reminded me of a chapter I read in my current book The Power of Simple Prayer by Joyce Meyer. 

   

I was waiting to blog about this book until I finished it and could write a Recommended Reading post about it.  I'm on page 334 out of 454, so can we call it close enough to mention a little something from the book?

There is a chapter in the book about praying God's Word.  Meyer says, "Our prayers are always effective when we 'remind' God of His Word and pray in faith that He is able to perform what He has spoken."

I know I've heard people do this before, but it's a method that is not all that familiar to me.  First, it requires that you are familiar with the Bible.  Spend time reading it.  Memorize verses that are particularly meaningful to you.  Then you'll be armed with the tools you need for this method of prayer {as well as handling daily life, I might add}.   

Second, you pray God's Word back to him by saying something like, "God, Your Word says (insert Scripture) and I believe it."

Joyce gives tons of fantastic examples for putting this method into practice.  Here's one straight from her book:

"If you were praying Jeremiah 31:3 for yourself, you would say something like this:  God, Your Word says that You have loved me with an everlasting love and that You have drawn me with loving-kindness.  I thank You for loving me so much and for continuing to draw me closer to You with such kindness.  Help me, Lord, to be conscious and aware of Your love for me.  If you were praying that same Scripture for your friend Susie, who had been struggling to believe God really loved her, you would say something like, 'God, Your Word says that You have loved Susie with an everlasting love and that You have drawn her with loving-kindness.  God, You know that Susie hasn't felt very secure in Your love lately, so I am asking You to override her emotions with the truth of this promise.'"

Did that help you understand this method?

Within this chapter, Meyer also discusses our bad habit of asking God to give us something we already have or to make us something we already are.  I'll be honest:  I didn't really know what she meant by this.  So I kept reading.

She says, "When we pray God's Word back to Him, or put Him in remembrance of it, we need to do so in the proper way, which is to declare what the Word says He has done, instead of asking Him to do something He has already done."

Here are her examples on this subject:

• Instead of praying that we will hear God's voice, we need to thank Him that we do hear (see John 10:27).
• Instead of praying that we will be set free, we need to thank God for already setting us free (see Galatians 5:1).
• Instead of praying and asking God to have a good plan for our lives, we need to thank Him for already having a good plan (see Jeremiah 29:11).
• Instead of praying that God will make us righteous, we need to thank Him that He already has (see 2 Corinthians 5:21).
• Instead of praying and asking God to bless us, we need to thank Him that we are already blessed with every blessing (see Ephesians 1:3).
• Instead of praying that we will be accepted, we need to thank God for already accepting us in Christ (see Ephesians 1:6).

I'm still processing what I've learned and trying to put it into practice.  This book has been extremely helpful to me, and I'm sure I'll be sharing more insights from it.  Prayer can be intimidating, and a perfectionist like me can easily get caught up in trying to figure out how to do it "right." 

Joyce Meyer does a good job explaining several different aspects of prayer, as well as several very different methods of praying.  

I just have to add:  I find it a bit ironic that this book about why prayer is simple is one of the longest books I've read.

Jessica

Recommended Reading: Heaven Is For Real

After I discovered that I can read books for grown-ups, I borrowed "Heaven Is For Real" from a friend.  It's one of those books that I've heard people talk about but never had the time to read it for myself.  This book is amazing.

Here's a little description from heavenisforreal.net: 

Heaven Is for Real is the true story of the four-year old son of a small town Nebraska pastor who during emergency surgery slips from consciousness and enters heaven. He survives and begins talking about being able to look down and see the doctor operating and his dad praying in the waiting room. The family didn't know what to believe but soon the evidence was clear.

Colton said he met his miscarried sister, whom no one had told him about, and his great grandfather who died 30 years before Colton was born, then shared impossible-to-know details about each. He describes the horse that only Jesus could ride, about how "reaaally big" God and his chair are, and how the Holy Spirit "shoots down power" from heaven to help us.

Told by the father, but often in Colton's own words, the disarmingly simple message is heaven is a real place, Jesus really loves children, and be ready, there is a coming last battle.

This book is a bit intense at times.  It is written so well that you feel this father's anguish as his son is ill and near death.  This book was easy to read through, but I did have to put it down at times so I could kiss my children and let my emotions recover.

I think this book can speak to anyone.  It's a great reminder to everyone that there's more to life than the day-to-day.   I truly believe that Heaven is for real, and this book offers real evidence to anyone who is still questioning.

Jessica

 

Recommended Reading: The Shack

This is the book that helped me re-learn how to read.  Allow me to explain.

My three children are ages 5, 4, and 2.  That means that for the past five years of my life, I have only read books that have short sentences and illustrations on every page.  {Despite the fact that I was a bookworm growing up.}

On our walk home from school every afternoon, we like to stop and chat with a woman who lives up our street.  One Friday last fall, she told me about a paperback book exchange she had joined.  She asked me if I read, and I'm sure she could see the panic on my face.  I didn't want to tell this avid reader that I hadn't read a book made for grown-ups in at least five years!

She disappeared into her house and emerged with a copy of "The Shack." She then proceeded to tell me how everyone she knows has read this book in a day or two.  {No pressure.}  The book in my hand felt like a ticking time bomb as I felt the full weight of her expectation that I would read and return the book by the following week.

It just so happened that my husband was out of town on a business trip.  Since I don't sleep well when he's gone anyway, I decided to start reading the book after I got the kiddos to bed.  True to my overachieverness (it's a word), I stayed up very late that night and read every possible second that I could the next day.  I did finish the book that weekend.  But I didn't do it because I felt pressured.  I could not put this book down!

"The Shack" is about a father who takes his kids on vacation, and his youngest daughter is abducted.  The only evidence in her case is found in an old rundown shack in the middle of the woods.  The father later receives a note inviting him back to the shack, and the note is signed by God.  The remainder of the book follows this broken man's journey to get his questions answered and his wounds healed.  

This book spoke to me in a deeply personal way as I read it in the very month that marked four years since a dear friend of mine was brutally murdered.  That event triggered a very dark time for me, and I had so many unanswered questions for God.  I'm sure I'll talk more about that later, but let me just tell you that God walked beside me even when I was indescribably angry with him, and he has now brought me healing.  He answered some questions and gave me peace to accept the unanswered questions.

My tips and tidbits:

• This book is fiction.  I read the Forward to the book (which I highly recommend you do, by the way), and I read the entire book thinking it was true.  What can I say?  I was a rookie reader.
• There are no gory details about the daughter's abduction.  I read every page in fear of what was to come before she was abducted in the story.  But the author handled it so well.  He gave just enough information that you understand what happened, but there is nothing gross or frightening.
• So many people I know shy away from this book because it seems like a creepy storyline.  My opinion is that this book is more about the relationship between the main character (the father) and God.
• This book will absolutely apply to you if you have any questions about how God works, wonder why bad things happen to good people, or have felt deep pain in your own life.
• I like to buy books from half.com because I can find good prices. You could also look for this book at your local library and read it for free.

After I successfully read this grown-up book, I was so elated that I kept reading more books.  I'll talk about those in future posts.  I would love to hear from anyone else who has read this book!