Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Saturday night Jared and I stopped at a Redbox hoping to find a good movie to watch at home.  We were not disappointed!

We chose Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close.

When I saw that Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock were both in this movie, I figured it had to be good.  Turns out that the little boy who plays the leading role is also a brilliant actor.

Here's a description from the movie's official website:

Adapted from the acclaimed bestseller by Jonathan Safran Foer, “Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close” is a story that unfolds from inside the young mind of Oskar Schell, an inventive eleven year-old New Yorker whose discovery of a key in his deceased father’s belongings sets him off on an urgent search across the city for the lock it will open. A year after his father died in the World Trade Center on what Oskar calls “The Worst Day,” he is determined to keep his vital connection to the man who playfully cajoled him into confronting his wildest fears. Now, as Oskar crosses the five New York boroughs in quest of the missing lock – encountering an eclectic assortment of people who are each survivors in their own way – he begins to uncover unseen links to the father he misses, to the mother who seems so far away from him and to the whole noisy, dangerous, discombobulating world around him.

Near the beginning of the movie, Oskar lists all the things that scare him.  As he was talking, I said to Jared, "I so get this kid."

It reminded me of the Scaredy Squirrel books.

My sister was the first person to buy my kids a Scaredy Squirrel book.  I didn't know if she was poking fun at me or if I just saw myself in this anxious squirrel.  Whatever the case, my kids enjoy the books.

Oskar, the quirky little boy in the movie, has many fears as well as interesting habits, like shaking a tambourine to calm himself.  He addressed a question in my mind when he was talking to a woman in the movie and saying a few things that weren't quite socially appropriate.  He said that he had once been tested for Asberger's.  He briefly explained the disorder and said, "The tests were inconclusive."

He is a unique kid with an incredible mind.  His amazing dad had nourished his son's mind and taught him how to be scientific and a little adventurous.  Oskar's expedition to find the lock for his dad's key was his culminating adventure to use all his dad had taught him while holding onto the last piece of his father.

This movie shows so many different sides of humanity.  It speaks to emotional connections that can be made between strangers.  It addresses what family really means, and it absolutely pulls at the heartstrings of parents.

I'm so thankful that we chose this movie, and I highly recommend it to anyone!

Jessica

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

Ok, so I'm not exactly flirty.  But I couldn't miss the chance to use the quote from the movie 13 Going on 30 that my precious niece used to quote all the time.

I turned 30 on Saturday.  I haven't had any apprehensions about turning 30.  No big regrets or major depression.  But I will admit I felt a little twinge of sadness on Friday when I realized it was my last day of my twenties.  

Then my birthday came, and I was one blessed girl!  My day was full of cards, gifts, phone calls, voicemails, emails, visits, and lots of pampering.  And doughnuts.  Yes, doughnuts.

Jared went out and bought a variety of delicious options, and I cut pieces off several so I could taste them all!  The kids had no trouble finishing off the partial doughnuts.

When I started dieting on January 1, my goal was to make it all the way to my birthday (April 14) maintaining my fairly strict diet and exercise regimen.  I did struggle a little with exercise the last several weeks as my energy was just depleted from being sick, but I kept my eating on track.  

I lost 35 lbs. total!

So I wanted to enjoy some delicious foods on my birthday.  Apparently even Nolan knew my plans because he wrote this in my card:

"Mommy I hope you have fun eating non diet stuff on your birthday."

And I did enjoy doughnuts for breakfast, Jimmy John's for lunch (with Cherry Coke!), and a dinner date out with my amazing husband.  There were carbs.  Covered in carbs.  It.  Was.  Awesome.

The kind, loving words that I received from my friends and family members were my favorite gift on my birthday.  I treasure all the encouraging, sweet things that were said to me.  My sister even wrote in a book about sisters.  It's not something she enjoys doing, but it's exactly the type of gift that I absolutely love.

I also received some fantastic presents from several people, like these beautiful flowers from my hubby:

And these lovely flowers (that smell SO good!) from my friends (chosen by my little 4-year-old buddy Jaxon):

Nolan got me a new pair of earrings.  He wanted to buy me a new ring because the ring I wear on my right hand lost two tiny diamonds (I wear it anyway).  How sweet is that??  Jared redirected him toward something less expensive, and they agreed on a pair of earrings I had previously commented on at Kohl's.

Nora ripped open all my gifts from Jared before I could get to them.  He bought me an array of items that fall under the category of "My Favorite Things."  There were kitchen items (so I can tackle my Kitchen Bucket List!), a sewing magazine, a book about blogging, and a new purse (my current one is several years old, worn out, and outdated).  And on top of all that, he has been planning (with help) a birthday party for next weekend.  I am truly the luckiest girl.

 

I am in a circle of friends (5 of us altogether) who buy each other shoes for every birthday.  That means that each year on my birthday, I get four new pairs of shoes!  This year I even got five because one girl (my amazing sister) bought me two pairs.  This is one sweet deal.

 

I hit a point in the middle of the day when I felt overwhelmed and undeserving of so much loving attention and so many gifts.  

 

After the kids' nap time, we took them to Jared's mom's house.  She watched them overnight so we could go out to dinner and have a non-rushed date.  We branched out and ate at a new, nicer restaurant.  Then we did a little shopping and picked up some things on my mental list (clothes for the kids, stuff for Nolan's birthday party, one of my hard-to-find hair products, etc.).  It was fun to browse and laugh together.  And amazing to just jump in the car, drive to the next place, and go right in without unbuckling kids, grabbing the diaper bag, and corralling youngsters.  We felt light and care-free.

 

After shopping, we wanted to watch a movie, but we never have any clue about any of the movies in the theater.  So we stopped at a Redbox and picked up a movie to take home and watch in our jammies.  It turned out to be one of the best movies we have seen in a long time.  I'll write about that in a separate post. 

 

When we picked up the kids today, my mother-in-law even had presents for me.  Her loving babysitting was already gift enough!  She gave me a great Thirty-One bag with lots of pockets for organization and a super cool picture frame.  The front of the frame opens with a hinge so you can place your child's drawings inside and change them out easily.  It even holds up to 50 pages so you don't have to throw away the amateur works of art!

 

Oh, I am happy, fulfilled, and overwhelmed (in a good way!).  Thank you to my husband, friends, and family members who made me feel very special and loved on my birthday.  Who cares about crossing into another decade when it's this much fun? :)

 

Jessica 

A Beautiful Thing

Do you know what this is?

It's a thing of beauty.

This is my To-Do list.  It's a white board on the side of my fridge.  I use those colorful dry-erase markers to jot down things I need to do.  There's no rhyme or reason to the colors, although I usually use red or orange for the most urgent items.

Well, I just finished the last three items today.  I seriously think this only happens once or twice per year where the board is blank.  It won't last long.  I even used Windex to clean this well-used board to give it a fresh start.

Every day is filled with good and bad.  Today Griffin had a horrible morning (disobeying) but at lunch he cheered Nora up when she got scared by a gnat in our house (yes, a gnat).  Today I learned of a dear friend's heartache, and I felt the weariness of another precious friend.  The bank teller forgot to give us suckers when we went through the drive-up.  I woke up feeling great, but all the familiar symptoms are returning right this very moment.  

But I'm so thankful that I have wonderful friends who share their hearts with me.  And I'm so blessed to have healthy, rambunctious children.  And who needs bank suckers when we still have loads of Easter candy?

I don't care how silly it may seem, I am excited about this beautiful, pristine white board.  

And did you notice the little card on the fridge by my white board?  It's Philippians 4:6 in NLT:

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done."

See?  God has sent Philippians 4 to follow me everywhere I go.  I am thankful for all God has done for me, big and small.  I'm a work in progress, but at least we're making progress, right? :)

Jessica

My Kitchen Bucket List

Some people make lists of things they want to do before they die.  I haven't quite gotten that far, but I have made lists of things I want to bake.  I'm sure I will continue to add to this list, but for now these are the things I want to learn to make from scratch:

• Tarts and tartlets (with fruit slices arranged all artistically)
• Popovers
• Cheesecake
• Cupcakes from scratch (I always use boxed cake mix)
• Macarons
• Meringue
• Curd (lemon, orange, etc.)
• Bagels 
• Homemade pasta
• Souffles
• Taffy
• Brittle (I would like hazelnut brittle or almond and sesame seed brittle)
• Pate a choux (for making cream puffs, eclairs, etc.)

I always enjoy a new challenge, and these are some of the foods I have yet to conquer.  No lofty goals yet, like making 31 new things before my 31st birthday.  I just hope to spend some quality time in my kitchen expanding my baking and cooking skills.

What's on your list of things to try?

Jessica

Peace vs. Fear

I recently shared about the role that fear plays in my life.  Read more here if you missed it.  I wanted to add a little more to that conversation.  

I struggled with pain and nausea for well over a month (as well as non-bloggable female issues for over 6 months) before I finally decided to ask some friends to pray for me.  I don't know why.  It's a little out of character for me since I'm normally a bit loud-mouthed about everything.  

I have a friend whom I've known since 6th grade, and we still have the same connection when we talk no matter how long it's been since our last conversation.  We have been chatting a lot lately, and I simply told her I was having some health issues and would appreciate her prayers.

I thought she would reply with something like, "I'll be praying that you feel better or get some answers soon."  But this friend has a way of always cutting right to the heart of the matter.  Although she had no idea what my health issues were or how I was feeling about them, her reply to me was that she would be praying that fear would not seize my heart.

How did she know?

I believe that she is a woman who listens to God, and he knows me very well.  Her comment stunned me and opened my floodgates.  I sent that poor girl a lengthy email sharing more details about my health concerns and how my mind was going crazy with the possibilities.  And then I admitted to God that I had allowed fear to take hold and asked him to help me trust him.

Through multiple conversations with both God and Jared, I realized where this particular fear had come from.  I was afraid that if I had something seriously wrong, I might wait too long to get appropriate medical care and it would be too late.  My fear was hearing something like, "If only you'd come in sooner, there would have been hope."  This fear related to anything from a hysterectomy to death.  Yes, I actually think about these things. 

And then it clicked.  I know why that sounded familiar.  Several years ago, my grandpa (one of my favorite humans) got a urinary tract infection that he didn't address.  The infection took hold of his body until his whole system was in shock.  It affected many of his organs and caused Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome.  We watched as my previously healthy grandpa slowly went downhill until the day that my dad and grandma had to turn off his ventilator and give him permission to go home.

I know it seems terribly melodramatic to connect my grandpa's death with the pain and nausea plaguing my 30-year-old (almost!) body.  But the connection is fear that has grown out of proportion.  

One morning when I was getting ready to go to yet another fruitless doctor's appointment, my dear old friend sent me a text that said:  "What's the peace vs. fear ratio today?"

Again, she cut right to the heart of the matter.  That was the most insightful question she could have asked me.  And it forced me to stop and examine how far I had allowed fear to wander.  It seems that I need to daily check on the peace vs. fear ratio.

It rained that day, which meant I had to drive to pick up Nolan after school (instead of walking).  I had to arrive quite early to get a parking spot, which gave me a little time to read my Bible (while Griffin and Nora watched Curious George).  So I looked up Bible verses about fear, and then I looked up verses about peace.  Here are some that I found about fear:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  Psalm 23:4

The LORD is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?  Psalm 27:1

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.  Psalm 34:4

Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.  Proverbs 29:25

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  Isaiah 41:13

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.  2 Timothy 1:7

And about peace:

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.  Psalm 4:8

You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!  Isaiah 26:3

May God give you more and more grace and peace as you grow in your knowledge of God and Jesus our Lord.  2 Peter 1:2

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.  Philippians 4:4-9

Those last verses, from Philippians, have been following me for months.  God has used these verses to speak to me about so many circumstances, each time highlighting a different section of these verses.  

Sometimes he reminds me to rejoice.  Sometimes he reminds me to present my requests to him and to be thankful for what he has already done.  Now he's challenging me with those nearly impossible words:  do not be anxious about anything.  Whenever fear drives my thoughts down an irrational road, I remember the words of verse 8.  I have to direct my thoughts toward whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy.  That doesn't leave room for fear.

I remember a post on Lil Blue Boo featuring this shirt:

The shirt was made for the auction to benefit Ashley, the author of Lil Blue Boo.  I can't seem to find this shirt for sale anymore.  Lucky for me, I think I can make a little something.  I have a solid-colored shirt and some printable iron-on sheets.  Hmmm...I'll see what I can do.

This is clearly one of those areas where God is working on me but the work is not finished.  Does fear overstep its boundaries in your life?  Let's put it in its place.  I know I'll need loving reminders to check my peace vs. fear ratio.  Perhaps daily.  But I know that letting God change my relationship with fear will be life-changing for me.

Jessica

Fear

Fear has always been a part of my life.  I'm not a risk-taker or a thrill-seeker.  I'm anxious.  I'm a worrier.  

While worry and anxiety have always been a part of my life (literally, from childhood), fear really planted roots in my heart in October 2007.

I met Megan Harms the summer before my senior year of high school.  Her family had recently moved to the area, and her parents had contacted our church's youth pastor and asked for someone to reach out to their kids.  My youth pastor called me and asked me to step waaaaaay out of my comfort zone and go to the Harms' house to invite their oldest daughter to youth group.

Megan did come to youth group, and we became friends at church and school.  We had an economics class together, and it was in this class that Megan met Brian Henneberg.  A couple years later, Megan joined me at Olivet Nazarene University for our last 2 years of college.  We both became engaged, and I attended her wedding as she married Brian (she also attended my wedding).  

Megan and Brian moved to Tennesee so she could accept a nursing position at Vanderbilt.  I got busy having a billion kids, and we made time for phone calls here and there and lunch together when she came back for visits.  

In 2007 I had become pregnant with our middle child, Griffin, and that pregnancy proved to be one of the most trying times of my life.  Megan supported me in prayer, but she also honestly spoke to me about how she longed for children of her own.

My pregnancy was so difficult from the very beginning, and I felt like there wasn't one day of joy or excitement.  Then a friend of mine threw me a baby shower (a baby "sprinkle"), and I saw this as my chance to finally have just one day that was about excitedly anticipating my baby.  

When I returned home from my baby shower, I was in the middle of telling my husband all about it when he received a phone call.  He started behaving strangely and took the call to another room.  When he got off the phone and returned to me, he was flushed and shaky.  He told me that my brother had called him to tell me that Megan had been murdered.

In the years that have passed since Megan's death, I have learned very little about how and why her life ended.  I know that she endured unspeakable pain that left gruesome, blatant evidence for investigators.  I know that Brian was immediately charged with First Degree Murder, and a jury took very little time to convict him.  I know that I lost a friend.

My list of questions instantly grew so much longer than the list of known facts.  Megan's death triggered the spiritually darkest time of my life.  I have shared with many people that the middle of my pregnancy with Griffin was the darkest time of my life.  It was the hardest part of our marriage, and it was the most suffering I have endured.  But I still held tight to God during that time.  However, the first couple of years after Megan died, I stripped away years of the relationship I had built with God.  I questioned everything about him, and I let him know that I didn't think he did a very good job taking care of his daughter.

I spent many nights crying to Jared and telling him (again) that I didn't understand why God would allow this horrendous thing to happen to Megan.  Her coworkers talked about what an amazing witness she was.  The Megan I knew was someone I looked up to as a Christian.  She was a child of God, a servant of God, and I felt that he had forsaken her.  

I remember Jared telling me about amazing people in the Bible who had served God with their lives and then died in heinous ways.  John the Baptist was beheaded.  Peter was crucified, and many accounts say he was crucified upside-down.  The list of Christians dying in painful and undignified ways is long.  After all this time, the thing I've learned from this discussion is that death does not mean the same thing to God as it does to us.  I look at the pain and suffering endured, but God sees a child coming home.  I had to relearn this lesson when my grandmother, who was my Christian role model, did not die in the peaceful, magical way that I thought she would.  Death does not look the same from Heaven as it does from Earth.

Another conversation that stuck with me took place with my Dad in the weeks just after Megan's death.  I was having trouble shaking my thoughts about Megan's final moments on Earth.  I told my dad that I just couldn't stop thinking about what Megan must have thought as she saw someone she loved taking her life.  My dad's response was that whatever she experienced, no matter how terrifying or awful, she wasn't experiencing it anymore.  I needed to hear that.  I was stuck in a day, a moment.  But Megan wasn't.

This idea came up again when I read The Shack.  I don't want to spoil anything, but I'll just say that God spoke to the father (the main character) about how he had been with the man's daughter when she was killed.  I read those words and applied them to Megan.  I have to believe that God held her through those terrifying moments and carried her to a place where there is no pain.

Through years of struggling, praying, searching, and various experiences, God and I have rebuilt our relationship.  He has answered a few of my questions and helped me to stop asking the others.  It took a lot longer than I expected, but I'm so thankful that God didn't give up on me when I was so unsure about him.  

Through all the years since October 2007, I have struggled with fear.  The big question in my heart, the one I'm not supposed to ask as someone who has been a Christian for 20 years, is:  How can I trust God to protect me and my family when he didn't protect Megan?  To be honest, this question still lingers at times.

I am so blessed.  Seriously.  Other than my recent health issues, everything in my life is going well.  So well that sometimes I worry that it's about to come crashing down.  That's fear.  I have given God my life.  I want to serve him and honor him.  Even though I have surrendered myself to him, sometimes the fear creeps in and temps me.  I have to constantly work through a mental battlefield of obstacles to try to find my way back to a place of trust.  Trust that his will is better than mine.  Trust that he sees and knows what's happening in my life.  Trust that if things don't go the way I want them to, it's God's plan.

I have a new thought to add to all of this, but this is already the longest post in blog history.  I can't help it.  I'm long-winded in both conversation and typing.  I just have a burning desire to share my experiences, even to the point of being painfully vulnerable, in the hopes that it will help someone else.  If you made it to the end of this very long post, whoever you are, please know that God loves you more than you know.

P.S.  You can read what I added here.

One more thing:  Click here to read about the day that God helped me release Megan back into his hands and fully trust him again.

Jessica 

License to Color Eggs

Today was a fantastic day.  Jared took the day off of work, so the morning started out very relaxed.  Then I shifted into get-stuff-done mode.  I cleared off half of my to-do list.

Since my 30th birthday is later this month, I had to go renew my driver's license.  I have managed to always renew my license by mail.  They just send me a sticker with my new expiration date.  One of the perks of being a rule follower.

That's right.  I still have the same driver's license from when I was 16.  Go ahead.  Be impressed. 

However, this time I'm required to take the vision exam, so I had to go into the dreaded Driver's Services Facility.  I was nervous, but I'm pretty sure Jared could have passed that "vision test" even before his LASIK.  

When the worker at the Driver's Services Facility asked if my height and weight are still correct, I literally laughed out loud.  I told her I've gained 40 lbs. since I was 16 {the truth is that I've gained A LOT of weight since then, I've lost 34 lbs. so far this year, and the weight I told her is actually my goal weight}.  

After an awkward photo shoot and a fairly short wait, I was out of there with my new license.  Before today, I think I was the last person in the state of Illinois with the old style license.  As I studied the new weird-looking license, I spotted something awesome.

That semi-crabby lady filled in my weight as only 20 lbs. more than my original 16-year-old weight.  God bless that woman.

Back at home I completed the next project on my craft list.  It's a shirt for my very little friend Dakota (the daughter of my friend Megan).  She's celebrating her 2nd birthday this weekend, and she needed a special shirt for her special day.  Dakota and her brother Jaxon call me "Uncle Jessica," which basically makes me so happy that I will buy and/or make them anything they want.  

Dakota's party theme is lady bugs, and Megan drew me a picture of how she wanted the shirt to look.  Plus she bought the shirt, pre-washed it, and dried it.  Super helpful. 

Here's a sneak peak at the completed shirt.  I hope Dakota doesn't mind me leaking her party outfit.

      

When I made the little bow, I needed a tiny piece of skinny red ribbon for the center.  I found the perfect thing in my Grandma's collection.  It made me so happy because last year for Dakota's birthday, I made her a skirt and shirt.  The skirt was made of fabric from my Grandma's collection.  

 

It warms my heart to inject a little of Grandma into my creations.  I have a hard time parting with her stuff, but I remember how generous she was and how she would want her supplies used up.  "Use it up.  Wear it out.  Make it do, or do without."

After the shirt was completed and delivered, we had my father-in-law over for dinner and our annual Easter egg coloring. 

This year I bought some of the neon egg dye.  It was awesome!

Nora dipped her eggs no less than 47 times per egg, each time in a different color than the last.  She loved every minute of it.   I highly recommend the neon egg dyes.

My heart was full as I watched the kids enjoying themselves.  We successfully fulfilled another family tradition.

At the end of the night, we let each child choose one snack.  Nolan wanted a fortune cookie (I bought fortune cookies as a fun dessert to go with homemade stir-fry for dinner yesterday).  He was so cute and soft that I consented.  

His fortune was about romance:

It cracked me up since he's only 5.  So I jokingly said to him, "Are you in love with someone that I don't know about?"

His response:  "No.  Just you."

What a perfect day.

Jessica