I just felt broken.
My son Nolan, who has had digestive issues for three years, has now had a headache for 35 days straight. It's been more painful at times and less painful at times, but he has not been pain-free for 35 days.
We've been to every professional at our pediatrician's office except for our actual pediatrician. We've been to the Emergency Department at the hospital. I've lost track of how many times we've called and talked to nurses.
No one has helped us.
Then I got hit hard with a virus (I'm assuming influenza). I've been in and out of sleep, day and night. My husband has been working long hours and has had to be gone every evening.
Last night Nolan was up multiple times throughout the night, clutching his head, in too much pain to sleep. I have devoted the last decade of my life to taking care of this boy and giving him whatever he needs to be healthy, safe, and thriving. And for the last 35 days, he has come to me and I have not been able to help him.
So this morning as I drove my other children to school in my minivan that had one tire low on air and faulty heat in the midst of our frigid winter, I felt broken.
For just a moment, I started to angrily lash out at God. You know what's causing all this. Why aren't you doing anything?
But I made my choice to trust Him, no matter how Nolan feels. So I kept praying. I trust you. I know you never allow your children to experience pain without a purpose. I know you're doing something and I don't have to understand it.
All throughout my crazy morning, the same sentence kept repeating in my mind.
Seek His presence more than His power.
Once all the younger kids were safely at school (and I had taken Nora's forgotten gym shoes to her and put air in my bum tire), I left Nolan clutching his head while eating breakfast. I went in my bedroom and closed the door. And I got ready to seek God's presence.
For me, praise and worship music is the vehicle through which I most easily connect with God's presence. So I pulled out my trusty smart phone to play music.
Every time I've gone through a difficult season of life, God has given me a song to help me through that time. The song He has chosen for The Nolan Headache Battle is Trust in You by Lauren Daigle.
I first heard this song on Pandora a few weeks ago, and I instantly loved it. A friend who has been praying for us sent me the lyrics to this song on the day we were at the hospital with Nolan for some testing. Today when I turned on my phone to praise God, that song was the first to start playing on Pandora.
God is good.
The chorus of the song says:
When you don't move the mountains I'm needing you to moveYou can view all of the lyrics here. You can also listen to the song here:
When you don't part the waters I wish I could walk through
When you don't give the answers as I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you
I sang and cried and raised my hands to God right there in my bedroom. The Bible says that God inhabits the praises of His people, and I gave Him a place to fill today.
It's not that I don't still feel broken. I just know God is holding my pieces. And He knows how to put them back together.